


NYC's Vigilantes

by ehhhplou



Series: NYC's Human Disasters [1]
Category: Daredevil (TV), Deadpool - All Media Types, Iron Fist (TV), Jessica Jones (TV), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Defenders (Marvel TV), The Punisher (TV 2017)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Banter, Gen, Social Media, Team, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-15
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-01-31 07:53:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 21,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21442786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ehhhplou/pseuds/ehhhplou
Summary: giving these people a youtube channel was a mistake.
Relationships: Frank Castle & Matt Murdock, Jessica Jones & Danny Rand, Jessica Jones & Matt Murdock, Jessica Jones & Patricia Walker, Luke Cage & Jessica Jones & Matt Murdock & Danny Rand, Luke Cage & Jessica Jones & Matt Murdock & Danny Rand & Claire Temple & Colleen Wing, Luke Cage/Jessica Jones (past), Matt Murdock & Peter Parker, Matt Murdock & Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Matt Murdock & Wade Wilson, Neena Thurman & Wade Wilson, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson, Vido Arocho & Luke Cage & Jessica Jones & Matt Murdock & Danny Rand
Series: NYC's Human Disasters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1545892
Comments: 98
Kudos: 675





	1. “Daredevil and The Punisher address your assumptions”

**Author's Note:**

> cursing * mentions of sex * content that some may take offense to * mentions of violence * mentions of past abuse  
these apply to all chapters  
if i missed any please mention it in the comments

NYC’s Vigilantes  
98.7k subscribers

-

“Daredevil and The Punisher address your assumptions”  
234506 views | 13.4k Likes | 894 Dislikes

A grey couch stands in front of a white wall. A man in a black suit with a crimson cravat wearing the Daredevil helmet sits next to a large man with a short military haircut, who is dressed entirely in black tac gear with a white skull painted on his chest. He holds a glass bottle with a yellow post-it note reading "apple juice" stuck on it and his devil friend holds a Monster Ultra with a pink metal straw.

"Frank" says Daredevil in his signature growl, glancing at the Punisher.

"Red" Responded Frank with a stern look on his face. "What the fuck are we doin' here?" He said in an annoyed tone. 

"The Kid arranged this. Ask them, not me!" The Devil says defensively, the straw in the corner of his mouth

The video cuts to a black screen with "Daredevil and The Punisher address your assumptions" written in yellow comic sans on a black background. A smaller, pink text pops up: "arranged, recorded, directed and edited by The Kid".

"So what is the first assumption Frank?" 

"The Punisher and Daredevil are republicans" A short silence is followed by aggressive laughter.

"That is the most ridiculous bullshit I've ever heard." said Frank 

"I had to listen to him rant about wanting to assasinate Trump but not being able to because he isn't TECHNICALLY a murderer or rapist and Frank doesn't fuck with politics since *beep* and *beep* because *beeep* and *beeeeeeeeeep*. So no presidential assassinations from Frank Castle anytime soon." 

"Oh fuck off Devilboy, you woulda want to do the same if you had my intel and my sources."

"Once you tell me that intel and show me those sources I will MAYBE come close to agreeing with your urge to kill the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA" 

"Well listen to this Red. *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep**beeeep* *beep*" 

The beeps continue through the time lapse that takes the next 15 seconds, during which Daredevil goes from smirking lightly to being visibly angry and disgusted. 

"So yeah, that's why I want to kill Trump."

"I will supply the guns and organise transport if you want?" Red said with a deadly serious look on his face, the scowl of the mask making him look terrifying.

"Nah Reddie, I have a different plan" said Frank lightly patting his shoulder. 

"Okay so this devolved into us expressing our hatred for Trump, but seriously Frank, what party do you support?"

"Well Redthaniel, I support gun control, by which I mean having to have training and a permit in order buy a fuckin' gun and each gun being registered. Oh and also stop sellin' assault rifles, they ain't for self-defence, they're the kind of shit I use to wipe out entire fuckin' gangs. It's what we fuckin' do for cars and there ain't no talk of Americans bein' fuckin' denied cars. Gay marriage should be legal, 'cause who the fuck cares who you want to screw, be gay, be trans, be a fucking attack helicopter for all I care, as long as you ain't hurtin' me. Healthcare should be free, 'cause it turns out I'm 148 thousand dollars in debt from my stays at the hospital, y’know the bullet in the brain, that time when you fucked me up and got me on trial and the time that You-Know-Who and his merry little fuck-up gang beat me to shit and gave me an existential crisis while fleeing from the crime scene. Oh and abortion is healthcare too."

"Agreed" 

The screen turns to a heavily distorted image of a devil emoji for a second.

"Okay Frankie-Boy what's next?" 

"If you call me that again I will skin you slowly, making sure to keep you alive for as much of the process, and while you are on the edge of death I will hand-bind a book that will only contain accounts of my passionate hatred for you as well as all of The Pictures, then I will use your skin to make the cover. The only person that has actually called me that without getting their face caved in got their face caved in by me later. Oh and even later I shot them. Two times." Frank said, with his face seamingly stoic and calm.

"Very graphic, thank you for making my imagination go wild." 

"No problem Redthew, now back to the subject, our next assumption is… 'Frank Castle is straight'" Frank then turns to the camera and glares at it aggressively, whilst Daredevil is shaking in quiet laughter.

"Straight my ass" says the Devil between giggles 

"Nothing straight has ever been close to your ass Red" Says Frank calmly before erupting into loud laughter.

A skull emoji colored pink with water gun emojis surrounding it appears for a second as a transition to the next topic.

"Okay so the next assumption is 'Daredevil is the embodiment of actual, real Satan.' Whaddya think 'bout that Red?" 

The camera zooms in on Daredevil, the screen is now tinted red and contrast is cranked up to eleven. 

"To receive an answer you must first succumb to the Antichrist, the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan and Lord of Darkness and gift him a pint of your blood and blessed may be his will to grant you knowledge." Says Daredevil, his voice heavily distorted, the growl sounding more like a deep demonic call. 

Suddenly the scene changes back to the regular shot. 

"Yah, I done it and it ain't that bad once you get over the eternal damnation and bein' enslaved to Satan and I 'least got the ineffable truth." Says Frank, casually. 

A man emoji is surrounded with black hearts and tinted red, serving as yet another transition.

“What now mr. Magoo?” Said Frank, taking a sip of his ‘apple juice’.

“The fuck am I supposed to know, you got all the shit on your phone”

Static fills the screen for a second.

“Okay so ‘Daredevil and the Punisher are friends’” read Frank from his smartphone.

“I mean yeah, I guess” said Red “We do beat the shit out of each other quite a lot though” he added.

“I think it’s just the toxic masculinity and not our relationship.” said Frank patting Daredevil’s thigh. A slight chuckle escaped the Devil's lips.

“I think it’s just you being a homicidal asshole that doesn't understand shit unless someone beats it into his brain, but you are entitled to your opinion.” said the Devil, exasperated.

A bad drawing of Frank Castle in crayon flashes quickly before going back to the two men.

“Frank Castle is insane” reads Frank

“I mean kind of? I guess? Like, all vigilantes are?” Says Daredevil “He’s WAY more stable than DP. Almost anyone is more stable than DP. I think Hitler was more sane than DP”

“DP is less stable than a building filled with horses”

“Wow, you’re so fucking PUNNY! I CAN’T CONTAIN MY FUCKING LAUGHTER FRANK. YOU SEE HOW MUCH I AM LAUGHING F R A N K.”

“Jesus Christ -”

“BLASPHEMY” Screacheed Red at the top of his lungs.

“-Red. Why are you so dramatic. Actually you know what, I don’t know what I was expecting from a man prancing around in a gimp suit with horns that now is wearing a CRAVAT.”

“It’s armor, not a gimp suit and I had to keep up my aesthetic Frank, it’s not easy to find something that screams ‘devil’ and ‘class’ at once.”

“The only thing that your outfit screams is ‘HELP ME THIS IS AWFUL THIS MAN HAS NO STYLE’”

Their argument is cut short by a shitty sketch of a Daredevil x Punisher kiss.

“The last thing that will be addressed today is ‘Daredevil is a loner’”

“Ah yes, I am a total loner. No friends. No family. No associates. I just come out at night to beat the shit out of random criminals and go back to a cave and crawl up and wait until the next nightfall whilst licking my wounds. Yes, loner.”

“Ah yes, you also have no sex life. No sex. Daredevil is a virgin. The purest one of all, purer than Virgin Mary. You are also a reptile-like shapeshifting creature that takes the form of a man in a gimp suit to misdirect your enemies.”

“It’s still armor.”

“Gimp suit”

“Armor.”

“Gimp suit.”

“Fuck you.”

“I wouldn’t want to mess with your purity, Red”

The video cuts out to a montage of shitty Daredevil x Punisher fan art with a caption ‘I couldn't fit those anywhere else in this vid so here is some of the greatest art you shall ever witness’

-

COMMENTS:

ava_knightly: THEY KNOW GOOD OMENS

may_mayhem: they have the dynamic of an old married couple

kevtastical: did anybody else notice that DAREDEVIL said blasphemy?? no? just me??

aproperwaywe: anybody: gimp suit  
daredevil: (ง'̀-'́)ง

mmmmmmmoneyshot: how bad must the shit Trump has done be to make Daredevil encourage assassination of important government figure

badbassbinch: I love daredevils pink straw. it screams class and devil 

triciapotatoes: “Nothing straight has ever been close to your ass Red” IM FUCKJINF CRYYING WHY IS THAT SO FUNNY 

clarktotesnotsuperman: ok why is Castle’s point about gun control so good??

joycebright: I never thought that I would watch two wanted criminals, one known for his extreme brutality and other known for being a MASS MURDERER and laughing my ass off, but here we are ig.

im-not-o-fucking-kay: WHO IS THE KID? ARE THEY A REAL KID? IS THAT A NICKNAME? HOW CAN WE THANK THEM FOR BLESSING US WITH THIS CONTENT???//?>.?>/>/

jaeyshus: this vid has subtitles and audio description available and why do the punisher and daredevil care more about disabilities than most fucking people,,


	2. “Team Red does a crappy thirst vid”

“Team Red does a crappy thirst vid”  
314982 views | 53678 Likes | 781 Dislikes |

“So Webs, what are we doing here today” said Wade, who was wearing a big Canadian Army hoodie and sitting cross legged in front of a coffee table.

“We are going to thirst because Double D hates thirsting and I’m pissed at him.” Said Spidey, the second part in a whisper. He had a Spider-Man themed onesie on and his mask was hiked up to expose his mouth.

“Fuck you too *beep*” Said an annoyed Daredevil, who had a black tux and a red bowtie on, as well as his helmet.

“Secret identity Red and by the way, that voice changer makes you sound like you gargle glass and NOT in the Punisher, intimidating, but for some reason kinda sexy way.”

“Nails for Breakfast, Tacks for Snacks” Supplied Spidey helpfully

“You emo little shit” Said Red

“Bitch, you’re as emo as one gets. I wonder if you have a little notebook filled with shitty poetry about heartbreak and disappointment.” Said Webs, defensively

“I for one LOVE emo music. Brendon Urie? I would let him fuck me with a toothbrush and call me his uncle’s neighbour's pet donkey”

“I don’t need to know about your kinks Wade, but he does sing like an angel.” Added Daredevil, nodding.

“And he has the PERFECT ass. Like I have a good ass, Red has a good ass, but Brendon is on another level, just perfection. And his lips, hot damn.”

“Didn’t know you would just talk about your crushes so openly on camera Webs.”

“I normally wouldn’t, but Urie is something else.”

“Well I can’t deny that, but won’t *beeep* be jealous?”

“It’s more likely that *beep* will be.” Snickered Red

“Oh they won’t be jealous, they support my crushes wholeheartedly.”

“Whatever you say Webkinz, whatever you say. But seriously like why are members of emo bands so smokin’ hot?” 

“I wouldn’t know” Snickered Red

“Oh my god like Frank Iero? So many tattoos, such a beautiful smile, such energy. Gerard Way? So much talent, like dude can sing, play guitar, play the piano, draw and create amazing characters. AND HE’S ATTRACTIVE!” Spidey whisper yelled.

“He kinda let himself go” Said Wade

“Okay, he’s a grown man, a dad and an artist. He doesn’t tour or have a lot of physical activity, but let’s be honest. He doesn’t look a day over 30.”

“That is true.”

“Hey, all I know that Umbrella Academy is a hell of a show” Added Red, after Spidey send him a glare, challenging him to say something.

“Amen to that” Said Wade

“Hayley Williams is also really hot. In like a self respecting creative way. And her voice, her moves. All that talent.” Said Webs, exhaling heavily and fanning himself with his hand.

“She also has a great ass. And a great ass voice.”

“I prefered filming with Frank.”

“I’m wounded Redthew.” Said DP in mock offense.

“I like Frank’s dog.” Added Spider-Man

“I hate Frank’s dog. Lil bitch slobbers on my shoes all the time.”

“How can you hate dogs Satan?” Yelled Wade

“I just don’t like them, okay?”

“No, not okay! It’s just sad!” Exclaimed Spidey

“Didn’t pin you for a cat person Reddie.”

“I don’t like cats either.”

“WHAT! HOW DARE YOU!” Wade and Webs yelled at the same time.

The video cuts off and some writing appears.

“That disagreement caused Wade to punch Red and Spidey to start being mad at both of them. Nobody will look at Daredevil the same after this day”

-

COMMENTS:

nr1spideystan: who are the people that will be jealous about spidey thirsting? I just want to talk.

maybeitsdepression: lmao Wade and Spidey thirsting while Daredevil just sits there like a third wheel 

panicattheschooldance: Brendon does have a nice ass


	3. “just 20 minutes of Lucky napping and drooling on a limited edition collectors Cap comic”

“just 20 minutes of Lucky napping and drooling on a limited edition collectors Cap comic”  
98678 views | 8.7k Likes | 21 Dislikes |

The video opens with a shaky shot being steadied on a big yellow lab that is laying on a comic book and curiously looking at the camera with his one eye. A bright purple collar is visible from under all his fur. After the camera is steady the dog lays back down. The shot doesn’t change and the dog just lays there, at some point starting to drool at the comic book. The video is 20 minutes and 19 seconds long. In the last twenty seconds you can hear somebody enter the room and approach the dog. 

“Awwwhhh, Lucky! No! Not my Cap comic! I sold the couch for it!”

-

COMMENTS:

doggolover: THE CONTENT WE NEED

capstan: shit that comic book is worth like 800 bucks

melindamello: look at this puppo. vv good, much floof 10/10

hazzard: WHO’S A GOOD BOY

hheyy: “i sold the couch for it” lmaoooooo

youpikajejh: it’s funny that Lucky destroyed a collectors item


	4. “the best of Jessica Jones’ quips, insults and banter."

“the best of Jessica Jones’ quips, insults and banter.  
by The Defenders and Associates."  
156432 views | 12324 Likes | 238 Dislikes |

White writing appears on a black background. "This video is a compilation of Jessica Jones' best moments caught on video"  
-  
“Ey yo Danny! Go fist Horny Boy back to life” *points to an unconscious Daredevil*  
-  
“So, Webs. You like to cover random people in sticky white fluid?”  
-  
“I’m just gonna go and threaten people by lying that I have laser eyes. Fucking bye.”  
-  
“Fuuuuuck, why do I have to be sober when we bust a place that has a shit ton of booze.”  
-  
“You look like you listen to Nickelback. Why would you do that to yourself?”  
-  
“Say whatever you want to say about Luke Cage, but he is a good ass fuck.”  
-  
“Give me my fucking scarf back Devil, I’m cold and you can fuck your secret identity.”  
-  
“Damn, you punch good for a rich twink.”  
-  
*shaking an empty flask* “It’s a miracle that I’m not addicted to smack considering my past.”  
-  
*doing a country girl impression* “Miss *beep*, I just need to make sure that my boyfriend doesn’t have a. STD, why can’t you just tell me the results of his bloodwork? Alright, thank you.” *hangs up the call* “She talks like she is way too easy”.  
-  
“I would trade my booze for you to shut the fuck up Red.”  
-  
*laying on the ground, groaning lightly* “I miss using my superpowers to bust ATM’s and steal Gucci.”  
-  
“Your undead ex is really hot.”  
-  
*to Daredevil* “You stink of daddy issues and depression.”  
-  
“This bar is really suspicious and I’m the one that’s saying that.”  
-  
“Holy shit Danny. You’re like a living furnace. Shit. This is not a hug, but don’t expect me to let you go.”  
-  
“New line of Trish’s clothes will be dyed with my blood as revenge. She knows I would hate that to be my legacy.”  
-  
“You don’t need to announce your bra size to everyone ‘Double D’”  
-  
*calling Daredevil* “Hey, are you free or horny?”  
-  
*calling The Immortal Iron Fist* “Hey, you need to fist me, some asshole stabbed me with a poisoned sword.”  
-  
*referring to bullets* “Luke can’t be penetrated. I tried.”  
-  
“This dude is whiter than my ass.”  
-  
*referring to Elektra* “Why is Miss Jesus carrying around little pitchforks?”  
-  
*after getting thrown on the floor* “Shawty got low, low, low.”  
-  
*to Frank Castle* “Why do you have abs? I just want you to be a pillow goddamnit!”  
-  
*to a police officer* “People suck, you should all be salamanders.”  
-  
“Fuck it, let’s blow it all up.”  
-  
“Fuck your crunchy peanut butter. That shit is like eating PB with sand.”  
-  
“My door has went through almost as much shit as I went through emotionally.”  
-  
*to Daredevil* “Hey, remember when we collapsed that building and left you to kinda die? Good times.”  
-  
“I’m gonna go find a one night stand, toddles.”  
-  
"You were more tolerable when you were handcuffed to my toilet.”  
-  
"I will write your phone number in every public toilet I ever go to if you don't stop doing that."  
-  
"Hail satan."  
-  
"Did The Punisher just call me 'sunshine'? Do I look like fucking 'sunshine'?"  
-  
"This is the Jones crematorium. You ghost 'em we roast 'em. How can I help you?"  
-  
"Just whip out your dicks and measure 'em or stop this toxic masculinity contest."  
-  
"I don't give a shit that you fisted a dragon, you are a child, a baby. Your opinion is invalid."  
-  
*after getting shot* "You fucking dick! You owe me a fucking jacket!"

-

COMMENTS:

sunkissed: Horny Boy 😂😂😂😂

haroldstanacc: Who the fuck is Danny?

vigilantefan: what a legend

ghossted: A true Icon

evelynn: Who prefers crunchy peanut butter?

mayday: "Do I look like fucking sunshine?" i mean, when you smile you do

darienne: God I wish I could lay on The Punisher's abs

goodgoddess: Salamanders are creepy lol

hadesandspot: Holy shit she had sex with Luke Cage and my bi ass doesn't know of whom should I be jealous


	5. “Deadpool and Domino talk about drugs, alcohol and parties”

“Deadpool and Domino talk about drugs, alcohol and parties”  
198687 views | 9.7k Likes | 89 Dislikes |

Domino is sitting cross-legged in front of a bean-bag chair that is occupied by Deadpool. Dom is wearing cargo pants and a black tube top, her hair in two afro puffs while Wade is fully dressed up in his suit, with katanas and guns but his feet are clad in fuzzy Hello Kitty socks and blue Crocs. 

“So Wadeee… We’re making Colossus disappointed in us again.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard the author wants us to do.”

“Sure, let’s go with that. SO! DRUGS, BOOZE, PARTIES! How old were you when you first took drugs?”

“My uncle roofied me when I was 4, that was a fucking trip. And all I remembered after that was the rubber duck so overall 7/10.”

“Sometimes I forget how utterly fucked was your life, but I was 14 when I first got high. I just had the “drugs are bad” talk at school and I was curious as hell, so I got some X and took it with Haja.” Domino said rather cheerfully. 

“The first time I got high on my own was when I was 16. My pop’s friends left some coke at home so I went to a shitty dive bar with Maurice and got fucked up.”

“Who’s Maurice?” 

“Maurice was this twink that I highkey hated, but he had access to booze so I hung out with him. He did make some mean chilli tho.”

“Damn, I’d go for some chilli right now.”

“I will order some from Tia’s, actually...” Wade paused for a moment before yelling “SWEETCHEEKS! HONEYBUNCHES! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME! BEFORE YOU COME TO THIS HELLHOLE BRING US SOME CHILLI AND CHIMICHANGAS! YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE ‘EM”

“He can’t hear you Wade.”

“Oh he can my beautiful lucky friend”

“So back to the topic at hand, do you have some party story?”

“I do have one actually, it’s pretty fucking wild”

“If you think it’s wild than I can’t wait to hear it.”

“So I was doing a high profile job in Marakesh, the plan was to wipe out some snooty millionaire and take some flash drive that he had on him, so I had to be stealthy about it. In the middle of planning and organising how to get to his hotel the bastard decided to hop on a plane to fucking Vegas, so now I had to go to Vegas. And I was kinda glad, because Vegas has some amazing fucking drugs and you can easily finesse yourself to any high profile event without any trouble.”

Domino was nodding along to the story while taking selfies with some stupid filters on Instagram.

“Hey Dominique, what are you doing?”

“First of all call me Domino, Dom or Neena, I’m not Dominique. Second of all, I’m shamelessly plugging my Instagram, @domineena”

“That’s very shameless of you, anyways. I was in Vegas and he decided to rent some obnoxious penthouse and throw a party, like coke, Don Perignon and Grey Goose party, not smack, Jose Cuervo and Doritos party. I still don’t get what’s wrong with a little bit of Jose Cuervo. It’s cheap, comes in huge bottles and gets you fucked up. And after like 2 shots you stop noticing the difference.”

“I just steal my Grey Goose. Makes me feel boujee on a budget.”

“That’s just your Domino’s 30 minutes or for free luck”

“Stop comparing me to pizza”

“ANYWAY. I got into the party and you know who is behind the bar? Fucking Weasel.”

“No.”

“Yes. The fuck was just there, pouring cheap liquor and swiping the expensive shit for himself”

“What was he doing in Vegas?”

“That’s not important, what’s important is that he let me spike the targets drink, then I swiped the flashdrive off the bastard and after 30 minutes I was done. The asshat would die in 13 hours from liver failure. So me and Wease get fucking wrecked and I mean like The Hangover levels of fucked up. We end up in Celine Dion’s house in Vegas with like 20 dudes and it turns into a gay orgy on top of her shoe collection.”

“You had sex on Celine Dion’s shoes.”

“No, I didn’t partake in that, me and Wease made espressos with vodka in her kitchen and went to the strip with thermoses full of that shit. And that’s when I black out. So like two hours later I sober up a bit and me and Weasel got married, but not to each other. He married Steve O and I married Johnny Knoxville, and I have no idea how the fuck they got mixed up in this but they did and for our honeymoon we decided to steal the button that controls that magical singing fucking fountain, you know which one. So we break in, but instead of the button we find like a garage full of meth. Like minimum 100 kilos of meth."

"It's a pity I didn't know you yet."

"Yeah, anyways. So we take some of the meth and go to some weird strip club and tip the dancers in meth, but they don’t like that, so we break in to some guy’s mansion and guess what, he has a fucking mini zoo. So now me, Weasel, Steve O and Johnny Knoxville are in a mini zoo with a shit ton of meth. So as logical adults we smoke like a half of it while ordering a bunch of shit from random places and then I black out again and I wake up butt naked with a headache, two dildos up my ass and on a roof of some hotel. I manage to get down and not get arrested and i go to a phone booth. Weasel, thank god, didn't lose his phone, but he woke up in a huge terrarium with like 6 snakes and staples in his taint. We go to some shitty breakfast place and on the news they show that we apparently spray painted like three casinos and destroyed maybe 20 cars and had a warrant for our arrest, so we steal a convertible and drive to New Mexico and hop on a plane to New York. And I still got like 175 grand for the job.”

“That was a fucking mess, but I thought you would have something crazier”

“I have but me and Wease have a blood pact to not share those stories.”

“A blood pact?”

“Yuh.”

“Huh.”

“And do you have some stories?”

“Well lemme tell you about the best “party” I ever had in my life.”

“Why the air quotes?”

“Oh you shall see.”

“You have my interest.”

“Picture this, I was a 16 year old little edgy asshole. I’m talking dyed black hair with a white streak in the front, ripped fishnets and oversized band tees, safety pins as earrings, the whole shabang.”

“Honestly you can pull that off and you know it.”

“Oh I know, but that’s not the point. The point is that I was in a fucking coven at the time.”

“Oh no fucking way!”

“Oh yes fucking way! And it was amazing. Like we would get together and do like spells and stuff. We mixed elements of wicca, voodoo and different pagan religions. We once got together and bought a haunted doll named “Lakeigha” that apparently held the soul of an old Voodoo Priestess.”

“That’s weird and also somehow really awesome.”

“The doll was also like fucking beautiful. It was a hand sculpted ball jointed doll painted with like really expensive paints and it was in perfect condition. But anyways we decided to get an Ouija board, spirit box, an ovulus and try to talk to her.”

“Ooookay, that’s probably when it gets really weird.”

“Yeah, we bought rum, because she apparently loved rum and by gathering the things that she loved when she was alive we could better get her out of the shell and we got amethyst and some dried bound lavender to use as incense of sorts, since she apparently loved that.”

“You went all out.”

“We did. So we got like glasses made out of crystal glass, poured ourselves and her some rum, for us we got like full glasses. We made a circle out of black salt, so she wouldn’t leave us once we summoned her. We set out some beeswax candles shaped as heads and laid out the amethyst, lit up the lavender and started talking to her. And that’s when shit gets real.”

“So shit wasn’t real before?” Inquired DP, curiously.

“It was, but it got realer. The board actually answered. Apparently she was born in 1789 and she died in 1876. She practiced Voodoo for 68 years according to the board and while the dolls name was Lakeigha but she was named Daysha. And then she asked us to use the spirit box. Like without us asking a question the planchette started to move and showed “spirit box”.” Explained Dom.

“That shit sounds nuts.”

“Like we were drunk by then from the rum, but I know that nobody was moving the planchette. So we turn up the spirit box and she tells us “This is home”.”

“Okay what the fuck?!” Yelled Wade

“RIGHT! So we ask what she meant and she said “grandchild”.” Exclaimed Neena

“WHAT THE HELL!?’

“I KNOW! AND THE PLANCHETTE TURNED TO ME!”

“REALLY!?”

“Yeah, so back then I still lived in a church orphanage in Chicago and I had no idea about my heritage, because you know, Weapon X Program, so I’m like shocked”

“I mean I would be too.”

“All I know about my family is that my great granny is from Sierra Leone and came to US in 1800s”

“Yeah.”

“And guess what the spirit box says next.”

“Sierra Leone.”

“Yeah, it said Sierra Leone.”

“And what then?”

“And then I black out and the next day I ask my friends and they all blacked out at the same moment too.”

“Whoa, that shit is wild.” Said Wade, with childlike wonder in his eyes.

A loud bang of a door opening can be heard from off camera.

“I got your fucking chimichangas Wade.”

The video cuts off and some text pops up.

“We would continue, but Wade got his chimichangas and started recalling his greatest high or drunk murders in graphic detail”

-

Comments:

afukenfaglmao: TWO dildos, damn he isn’t playing games

mjackasses4ever: Imagine being married to Deadpool lmao

succandblo: Domino is so damn pretty like holy shit

wheredoesmyheartbeatnow: organizing a gay orgy on Celine Dion’s shoes while smashed is a huge accomplishment. 

ammamiapizzeria: Who is “Weasel” and why does he sound like a person I would and wouldn’t want to know at once?./??

belledelphinepleaserawme: Shit, Deadpool's childhood must have been rough.

Steve-O: Did me and Weasel ever get a divorce or an annulment?

Babybitchwitch: That shit with the ghost is like WILD

phatuwupower: I don’t believe in ghosts but holy crap

jessicadrew: Okay wow, Domino is beautiful, deadly, lucky AND she was in a coven? I want to meet her so bad.


	6. "Frank's greatest threats and pre-kill quotes"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a whole lotta of threats and violence

"Frank's greatest threats and pre-kill quotes caught on camera by The Kid"  
123987 views | 28356 Likes | 19066 Dislikes |

-

"I'm going to rip you apart and hang your body on a christmas tree like ornaments."  
-  
"I will rip out your guts just to shove them right back down your throat."  
-  
"I will cave in your face to the level that half of your face will be collapsed."  
-  
"I will pop out your eyeballs and shove them onto sticks like dum dums."  
-  
"I will gouge your eyes out and puncture your eardrums before torturing you just so you don't know what's coming."  
-  
"I will shoot through your spine so you'll never walk again."  
-  
"I will use your bones to massacre your body."  
-  
"You are gonna lose your fucking knees."  
-  
'You are about to get a lobotomy. Free of charge."  
-  
"I'm going to cut you up until you look like a piece of ruled paper."  
-  
"I will turn your insides into a Jackson Pollock."  
-  
"I will turn you into fucking firelighters."  
-  
"If you don't give this back now you will look like a Picasso."  
-  
"I will crush you into pulp."  
-  
"Forgive me father for I am about to sin."  
-  
"Look alive, sunshine."  
-  
🎵"All I want to is kill somebody, kill somebody, kill somebody like you, you, you, you, you"🎵  
-  
"Say goodbye to your right kidney."  
-  
"I will make you blind, deaf and cut out your vocal cords and just let you go. Make you suffer. Maybe break a femur or two."  
-  
"I will cause you immeasurable amounts of pain and then some more."  
-  
*holding a wooden broom handle, narrow and full of splinters on one side and wide and smooth on the other* "Which end?"  
-  
"How many bullets will it take to fully detach his head from the body?"

-

ghreyghsanathomy: the knee is a joint not like a body part how is he going to take his knees??????

gamerboii: How do you turn a person into firelighters? Asking for a friend.

tyktok: Does Frank "The Punisher" Castle listen to yungblood?? 

ghoultown: isn't this man wanted by every fucking agency on the planet? and he is just,,, posting videos of him threatening people?????,??,?, like we stan, but also not?,????

babygotbackrolls: WHO THE FUCK IS THE KID AND WHY DO THEY HAVE CLIPS OF FRANK CASTLE SAYING THESE THINGS??????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapters (between 100 and 3000 words) every monday and friday maybe occasionaly a wednesday if im feeling frisky  
\- p


	7. "Meet The Kid"

"Meet The Kid"  
234813 views | 23561 Likes | 721 Dislikes

"You excited kid?” Said Frank, sitting behind a breakfast bar in a modern looking kitchen. He had a black t-shirt with “world’s shittiest father figure” written in bright pink comic sans and a matching cup with coffee in his hand. A slim girl with long blond hair and a shirt that said “the bane of Frank’s existence” written in the same font and color popped into frame.

“As excited as one can be to officially be moved from ‘wanted’ to ‘shoot on site’.”

“You got yourself into this kid. I said that once you hit 18 you can do whatever the hell you want. You’re 18, out of high school and trying to make me take you to my jobs. I think you can handle a little ‘shoot on site’ if you think you can handle my shit.”

“I guess you're right.”

“Introduce yourself. Give the people what they wanted.”

“So… I’m Amy. I know Frank for like two years now. I am now a part of the shitshow that is his life. I absolutely despise him. He got shot to protect me a bunch of times though, so like… he comes in useful.”

“Great introduction. A solid 6/10.”

“You spend too much time with you vigilante buddies.”

“You told me that I need to find some friends.”

“I meant like… join a book club, go to a bar that isn’t filled with wanted criminals, find a hobby and not join a secret vigilante community and become friends with them and proceed to beat the shit out of each other and call it sparring.”

“Beggars can’t be choosers.”

“So back to the topic of this video - me. We got some questions and hopefully you’ll get some answers.” Amy pulled out her phone, tapping a couple of times on the screen. “How did you and Frank meet?”

“I was minding my own fucking business in a bar and I see her get followed into the bathroom by like four merc looking people. That shit has me worried, ‘cause the day before I spotted her at the same bar and she looked scared shitless, so I followed her. There were 4 assholes trying to get something from her and then kill her, I beat the shit out of 'em, after walking out of the bathroom the rest of the mercs in the bar try to kill me and her, I kill them, get the kid away from there, drive to a motel and wait until more guys show up to see if it’s really a misunderstanding like she claimed at first but lo and behold, four more pieces of shit show up. And then we went on a merry murdery adventure that involved revenge and kidnaping a politician.”

“You forgot to mention that after killing at least 10 people you drove to a motel with me, which fair enough, get off the radar, but you then made me dig a bullet out of your ass and zip tied me to a bed.”

"You were going to run and if after like two days nobody showed up for you I woulda let you go, knowin' you're not being fuckin' tracked. Didn't want you to die."

"It was really scary at the time, but it kinda makes sense now."

“Well you’re still breathing, so it paid off, didn’t it?”

“I suppose. So the next question is ‘Why does a kid hang around Frank Castle, I mean this man is scary?’” Amy snorted and Frank sent an intimidating look her way.”Frank is like a pitbull, scary looking but an absolute softie. And at first he sent me away, but after two months I hopped on a bus and showed up at the doorstep of a friend and pissed them off until they gave me Frank’s number. And now here I am. Forcing him to make me The Punisher 2: Better, Faster, Prettier. Plus he secretly loves me.”

“No I don’t.”

“Then why have you told me that once when you accidentally took Spidey’s painkillers instead of yours?”

Frank let out an incoherent grunt and Amy smiled wide.

“Exactly.”

The video cuts, a picture of a pitbull with Frank’s face badly pasted onto it pops up.

“‘What’s your favorite memory of Frank?’ Well there’s the Spidey drugs incident, there is also when we burned down a pedo’s studio, he once lost a bet, so I have pictures of him with frosted tips and a spray tan.”

“Don’t make me relive that.”

“There is also the time we babysat a high Daredevil. It was equal parts hilarious and exhausting. The guy can parkour even when drugged out of his mind.”

“Ugh, he at first used me as a punching bag, executing borderline impossible moves, like climbed to the ceiling and did some ninja and samurai fusion fighting shit he does, broke my nose and dislocated my shoulder and after the violent faze passed he became a koala and literally wouldn’t let me go even if i stood up, so I had to walk around with a high Daredevil latched onto me for like 3 hours.” Frank said, annoyed by just remembering that night.

“I also have pictures of that. It was weirdly adorable.” 

“He also told you that you have a weird aura.” Snickered Frank

“I mean, look at my life. Shit’s weird.” Said Amy, like it explained everything.

“Yeah, but I don’t think he can see auras.” Frank said, making it sound like it had a double meaning.

“You’re right.” Said Amy, amusement clear in her voice

“Yeah, but some of the shit that came out that night will never be mentioned outside that room.”

“Maybe on Spill Nights.” 

“Why do you call them Spill Nights?”

“You live with a child of the Zeth Generation and you hath not knoweth the modern tongue? You wound me Francis.” Amy did a crappy British accent to fit the tone of the sentence.

“My name’s Frank.”

“Francis.”

“Amelia.”

“You win.”

“I always win.”

“Danny would disagree.”

“He’s a fucking magic munk ninja warrior!” Frank said, trying to defend himself. 

“He’s, and I quote you ‘A skinny ass munk boy’” Amy made fun of Frank.

“Well back then I haven’t seen him fight and he’s not as good as Red but he has the power of god and anime of his side.” Said Frank, somehow making a wounded expression.

“YOU WATCHED IT!!” Gleefully exclaimed Amy

“You asked me to, it ain’t like I have a lot of shit to do.”

“Road work ahead?”

“Yeah, I sure hope it does.”

“What you gonna do when the barber accidentally gives you a bowl cut?”

“I’m gonna kill the barber.”

"Chris, is that a weed?"

"I'm calling the police. ⁹¹¹ ʷʰᵃᵗ'ˢ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵉᵐᵉʳᵍᵉⁿᶜʸˀ"

"Ya ready to fucking die?"

"I'm a bad bitch, you can't kill me!"

"Miss Keisha?"

"Miss Keisha? Oh my fucking god, she fuckin' dead"

“Now we move onto the chaotic inbred cousin of Vine, Tik Tok.”

“Oh god, I went through torture and I think you’ll be the first one to break me”

“You’ll be wishing I broke you when I’m done with you.”

“That’s a good threat, you’re getting the hang of the whole ‘I seem harmless but you should really be shitting your pants’ shtick.”

“Why thank you. Sensei started to teach me that.”

“Why do you show so much respect to our merry little gang?"

"You don't so I do it for the both of us."

"Once you realise that there ain't nothing stopping you from doing whatever you want you won't give up that freedom. Even if somethin' new should be able to stop you, you will fight. It don't matter If you win or if you lose. Either way, you never gave that freedom up."

“Damn, didn’t think that we would actually say something that was not useless bullshit in this video.”

“Life finds a way.”

“You know what, what if we just ask each other some questions? The ones from the viewers are boring.”

“Sure kid, it’s your video.”

“Do you have a favourite story from the military?”

“I busted an eye of a fucking dick who called me and the guys weapons. That was fun. I remember when somebody got a hold of like 4 bottles of whiskey and we got drunk and sung shitty songs. Our SO couldn’t do anything because he was drinking with us. There was also the time that we got a ping pong ball, painted it red and made a hunt for it. It happened over a week and the winner got 300 hundred bucks from each participant. I won 4500 bucks that week. Me, Maria and the kids went to Disney World with that money. Bill also made a bet with a couple of guys that he wouldn’t last 5 days without speaking. If he won he would get 50 bucks each from everyone in our team and if he lost he would have to perform a lip sync to “Don’t Cha" on camera. He lost and I still have the DVD.”

“You certainly kept it fun out there.”

“We didn’t have anything to do between assignments. It was special ops, we had a way different routine than most military.”

“Damn, when did you become so boring?”

“Oh you just haven’t seen the fun things that are happening now kiddo. You’re 18 now so you will be admitted into game nights.”

“Game nights? What, you play Monopoly there?”

“We do a lotta shit there kid. Spiderlings are invited.”

“Oh hell yeah. The Spiderlings are actually fun.”

“You really don’t know the rest of the crew.”

“Well now I’m intrigued.”

“Yeah, *beep* will also be there.”

“Oh no way! You got *beep* to come!?”

“*beep* wanted to come as soon as *beep* found out what do we actually do on game nights.”

“Well I just think that you underestimate The Spiderlings’ definition of fun and overestimate yours.”

“You’ll see about that.”

“Who’s gonna be there, beside The Arachnids?”

“*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*. All the fun people.” 

Small writing pops up in the corner of the screen. "We decided to censor them, but trust us, they're HILARIOUS."

“I love that those became their actual codenames. You know how The Spiders made them up, right?”

“I know that they went wild with the association game and a Thesaurus.”

“They were freaking high. Like absolutely wrecked. The Hangover levels of out of their minds.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, they have strict rules on when and where they can go stupid, but they occasionally do.”

“Damn, does *beep* know?”

“I don’t fucking know.”

A loud sound of a door opening echoes through the room

“THEY DO WHAT NOW?!”

Before the intruder can be seen, the video cuts to a screen with “One interrogation and fight later”

“So we’ll be finishing, because *beep* said so and Amy doesn’t want to further cause the wrath of *beep*.”

“*beep*’s scary, okay!?

The video cuts off there, leaving a screen with “don’t forget to like and subscribble”

\- 

COMMENTS:

reallifesux: Oh wow, The Kid is a real kid, well teenager. 

lookieluke: Who is she? Like she got The Punisher to watch vines????

flashbeforeyoueyes: SHE WENT TO SCHOOL WITH ME SHE HAD THE THIRD HIGHEST GPA WHAT THE FUCK

whyiseverybodyafraidoflove: “chaotic inbred cousin of Vine” accurate

elevatormusic: WHAT THE HELL SHE WAS BEST FRIENDS WITH HARRY OSBORN AND MICHELLE JONES IN SCHOOL WHAT THE FUCKCLNDKAD;.,S,,D/.

likeitlikethat: Frank Castle with frosted tips will be my new sleep paralysis monster thx for that

jakeperalstan: She must be behind all of the references he makes. bless you my child

hughjackass: So the first night they met he killed like 20 people in front of her and made her dig a bullet out of his ass. Wild.

Yellowtaxi: So we know that she went by Amelia Lennox and a Peter Lennox was written in the school records as her father. There were phone numbers, but they were fake, burners or abandoned. Address pointed to an apartment that was rented to a Peter Lennox in the past, but he moved shortly after she enrolled. She also was friends with Harry Osborn, son of Norman Osborn and a Michelle Jones, who was supposedly Harry’s girlfriend. So we have their potential aliases and friends, but that’s it. 

uwupower: lemme get this straight. a wanted underage girl that was under the punisher’s wing just went to school for a bit over a year and nobody realised that something was shady? they are good at this evading the law shit.

malakhai: are The Spiderlings Spider-Man’s crew or what?

whoopwhoop: Frank went from beating a guy up to lip syncing real fast

ughlookwhatyoumademedo: What are Spill Nights? What are Game Nights? WHO IS THEIR FRIEND THAT SHE BUGGED FOR HIS NUMBER?

youllfloattoo: Is 'Bill' the Billy Russo who called Castle a monster on live TV but was really the terrorist all along and then got beaten into a coma and then escaped the hospital? If so then please release the video, because he's dead and he was hot before he went psycho. like really hot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls comment im sad and i need validation   
-p


	8. “Daredevil’s greatest moments captured by Spider-Man and Deadpool (not captain)”

“Daredevil’s greatest moments captured by Spider-Man and Deadpool (not captain)”  
154357 views | 20567 Likes | 347 Dislikes |

*after a trafficker brags to another one about his earnings* “That’s a low price for actual people”  
-  
“Put the gun down Turk, the last time you tried to shoot me you got facial reconstruction surgery.”  
-  
“I don’t kill people, but i know how to break bones to make them heal in the most painful way.”  
-  
“Detective Mahoney.”  
“It’s Detective Sergeant.”  
“Detective.” *backflips away*  
“Why do I try?”  
-  
“How do you even sell this shit? That is the worst coke I’ve ever witnessed.”  
-  
“You smell like death and mexican food. I like only one of those things.”  
-  
*looks at a criminal that is whimpering in pain* “I hope that deodorant is provided in prison, because you would really benefit from some.”  
-  
“Jessica, I’m concerned about you. You’re drinking shit that stinks like paint thinner.” *sniffs the air* “Worse than paint thinner actually.”  
-  
“Turk stop crawling to that gun. I thought you learned those past two times.” *walks over to stand above Turk, hands on his hips like a disappointed mother* “Stop it. Turk. I said stop it.” *nudges Turk’s hand with his foot* “Turk. Cut it out. Just stop. I don’t want to knock you out anymore. You will end up with brain damage if you keep doing that.” *Turk grabs the gun* “Oh for fuck’s sake.” *kicks Turk’s head, knocking him out*  
-  
“Stop looking at my ass Pool. I’d hope for the common courtesy of buying me a coffee first, but you just proved that I overestimate you.”  
-  
“Luke, be my large bulletproof knight in a shining hoodie.”  
-  
*flips perp’s knife in hand* “You should really learn how to properly clean and sharpen your knives. Don’t think it’s a part of Rykers’ GED program.”  
-  
“Snitches get stitches. Not-snitches get comas. So more talkie-talk and less fighty-fight or you’re gonna get a lotta rest.”  
-  
“Gina from Brooklyn’s 99th precinct made me believe that black people CAN sell drugs, but I guess there are some exceptions, because you guys suck at it.”  
-  
“Wade, did you just give me a Hello Kitty bedazzled burner phone? Why do I ask. Of course you would give out Hello Kitty bedazzled burners to your associates.”  
-  
“Shut it Danny. Shhhh.”  
“Wha- I’m not talking.”  
“Your fucking chi is too fucking loud.”  
“How?”  
“You are way too fucking energetic. Chi is life energy. So calm down or die.”  
-  
“And I thought that I was dramatic. Gotta step my game up.”  
-  
“Ugh, your cologne smells like sewer water mixed with everclear.”  
-  
*talking on the phone* “So, *beep*. Me and the dumbasses were dealing with a heroin shipment and I might’ve gotten a little poked with a poisoned sai sword. Yeah, whiskey, baking soda and something with chlorine, I got some bleach. Yes, I use it to get shit out of the suit. No, I don’t give a shit about the sheets. Take the ones at the bottom of the cupboard if you’re so concerned about them. They were a housewarming gift and they absolutely suck. I left them for special occasions like this. Fuck, stop asking questions and get ready for my arrival. I’m suffering here.”  
-  
“Wade, no maiming. We promised Spider-Man.”  
-  
*wobbling on his feet, slightly slurring his words* “Fraaaaaaaaaaank. I can’t walk. Help me walk? Pleaseeee? You would help Amy or Spidey or Jess or Danny. Why do you hate me? Do you think I hate you? I don’t hate you. You are just annoying, but in a funny way.”  
“Shut it Red, leave it for confession nights.”  
“I should go to confession. I have sinned, if you know what I mean.”  
“I know first hand. Don’t you remember Red? I’m wounded.”  
“Noooo, don’t be sad. Wait, you’re not sad. Why are you lying?”  
“Stop fucking filming, Wade, or I’ll gut you and wait for you to heal just to gut you again.”  
a small annotation appears ‘this is the drugged Daredevil night. ah, good times’  
-  
“I don’t get art thieves. What the hell do you do with the stolen art? It’s not like you can march into goodwill and oh… she’s gone. Black Cat got away again. Shit. How did she slip out? You seen her Spider-Man?” *camera shakes from side to side* “Fuck.”  
-  
“Talk.” *perp grunts* “Why the fuck do criminals not understand words and violence?” *punches the guy in the jaw* “Talk.”  
-  
"Gesù Cristo scopato in bicicletta"

-  
“Que te la pique un pollo”  
-  
“Que te folle un pez!”  
-  
“Go n-ithe an cat thu, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat.” *thinks for a second* “Yeah, this one doesn’t work in the suit.”  
-  
“I didn’t learn foreign languages so I can curse out people without them knowing, but it’s a great benefit.”  
-  
"Parsley is a disgusting abomination posing as food that tastes like soap and lard."  
-  
*takes a sip of coffee* "This is the worst shit I've ever tasted." *takes a large gulp*  
-  
"You really are a bumbling moron"  
-  
"Your breath is so bad that I can hear it"  
-  
"I will murder, no, brutally assault you."  
-  
"How does everybody in this shithole know *beep*? Is she some kind of vigilante whisperer?"  
-  
"I've sucked dick back in the day."  
-  
"I would tell you to blow me, but you'd actually like that."  
-  
"Wade, I will break your bones and wait for them to heal so I can break them again. And again. And again."  
-  
"Turk, man it's the fourth time we've been through this. Drop the gun. Turk. I will break both your trigger fingers and set them to heal in a painful way." *Turk drops the gun, kneels and raises his hands* "Atta boy. Get up. I will zip-tie you. No dealing with Spidey's webs. I knew you'd understand finally. I will even have Webs write you a nice note to make sure they treat you good."

-

COMMENTS:

whawhaehainmyvalentino: omg poor turk 😂😂

avocado: omg how he was just rambling about art and Black Cat ran away lolllll

vvnice: Those foreign quotes mean in order: Jesus Christ fucking on a bicycle, I hope a chicken pecks your penis, I hope you get fucked by a fish, may a cat eat you and may the devil eat the cat

dickwaffles: The Punisher witnessed Daredevil sinning first hand? Does this mean what i think it means?  
|  
NYC's Vigilantes: yes

gggguns: Daredevil @ criminals: 😾  
Daredevil @ parsley: 👹👹👹

hahahhahahahha: whoever that was talking on the phone to DD they just seem so tired of his bullshit.

ginalinetti: I still stand by the fact that black people can sell drugs.

hurrdurr: "calm down or die" me @ my siblings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls make me feel valid with comments, thx for 1000 hits  
there will be an update on monday, maybe wednesday and on friday, unless i decide to write something new.  
-p


	9. "Trish Talk: Jessica Jones’ first interview"

"Trish Talk: Jessica Jones’ first interview - full radio show”  
175609 views | 29678 Likes | 238 Dislikes |

-

“Dear Listeners, welcome to Trish Talk. Today’s episode is a pre-recorded one due to scheduling conflicts, but we still have the exclusive interview with Jessica Jones. Jessica is one of the most controversial people currently residing in NYC, as well as my adopted sister. This is not a traditional interview, she’s here mostly to just talk and show her different side. I know I’m biased, but I also truly believe that she deserves to be introduced to the public by somebody that doesn’t just know her from the bad things. Without further ado, here’s Jessica Campbell Jones.”

“Don’t full name me Trish.”

“I will full name you whenever I want to Jess. How are you doing on this fine day?”

“Well, I’m doing pretty ok lately. I have some clients that don't insinuate that I’m some sort of superpowered hitman and want me to kill their cheating husband.”

“Does that happen a lot?”

“You’d be surprised.”

“How do they even ask that?”

“Most are like “I know you are ‘special’ “ and they say that like it’s a fucking secret. It’s the second search result when you look up my name. I even earned a wikipedia page. So they are like ‘I know you are special. I can give you some more money if you, you know. Deal with him.’ “

“That is really horrible, what about you and your rep says ‘murderer’?”

“You kill in self defence and suddenly you are a superpowered hitman.”

“But that guy literally had mind control powers! I know because I fell victim to them!”

“Me too Trish.”

“You never went public with what happened with Killgrave?”

“No. It was… too much. No witnesses, no other victims, nobody. To everybody before he resurfaced it looked like I fell madly in love with him and abandoned everything.”

“But you didn’t.”

“No, I was under his control for- for 8 months. He had me do something terrible and it somehow helped me break from his control. He was so surprised when I disobeyed him that he didn’t notice a bus. He got hit, made a doctor stitch him up and made a fake death certificate. I thought he was gone.”

“I remember those 8 months. They were tough, really tough. I thought that you went willingly. Mom thought so too.”

“Dorothy was kinda glad that I was gone. No longer living with you, never taking up your time.”

“Yeah, she never really liked that you ‘distracted’ me. You honestly helped me a lot.”

“I did what I had to for you. You were in my corner and I was in yours.”

“That’s right Jewel.”

“Oh fuck off Patsy.”

“I deserved that.”

“You bet your ass you did.”

“I remember when you first got your powers.”

“Dorothy was pissed about that stupid sink.”

“To be fair, it was expensive marble. But I was so freaked out when I saw you holding that up, like it was nothing.”

“Well, I was freaked out too so… Superpowers are cool and all but it’s freaky that one day I just broke a huge ass piece of marble without realizing.”

“Yeah, like that could’ve been my hand or something.”

“Could’ve been Dorothy’s hand”

“You would’ve liked that.”

“She’s a bitch!”

“I won’t agree, but I won’t disagree.”

“You should get a better manager. I’m sure I can get one of my buddies to find you somebody.”

“Which one?”

“One of the billionaires.”

“Which one?”

“The pretty one.”

“Which one?”

"Ellie knows some people.”

“You know way too many billionaires for… well for a boring PI.”

“Good thing that I’m not boring”

“How did you meet all of them?”

“I was investigating a case, led me to a building, ran into Rand who was having issues with some people there. My lawyer introduced me to Ellie when she was dropping off something at his office. My lawyer’s ward introduced me to little Osborn, who introduced me to papa Osborn and I was at a couple of fancy events where I became acquaintances with a couple of rich asshats. Some of them I’m actually friends with and others just owe me or I owe them.”

“What is your life?”

“Who knows at this point.”

“I surely don’t. Who would you say is the weirdest person you’ve met?”

“Vigilantes are fucking wild. Like don’t get me started.”

“I want to get you started.”

“There are rules. Very specific, you do the vigilante thing and not obey, you join the blacklist. The official blacklist has Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Norman Osborn, several bartenders, several priests, several bodega owners, a couple of musicians, some cops. The blacklist is officially a “do not cooperate” list, but blacklist is faster.”

“And why are some members of The Avengers on it?”

“I cannot really say much, maybe besides the fact that street heroes are very anti-capitalism and anti-patriotism type of people.”

“Why is that?”

“Tragic backstories.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah.”

“What else is weird about them?”

“There are Game Nights.”

“What? You just sit around with Clue and snacks?”

“I can’t tell, but shit gets weird. Only people over 18 are invited.”

“There are vigilantes below 18?”

“Not vigilantes, their little helpers, apprentices, siblings. That kind of thing.”

“That is a bit reassuring. Wait, didn’t the Amy girl and Castle talk about Game Night?

“Yeah.”

“Shouldn’t you tell the cops?”

“I told the cops. I don’t have any details, so it’s not like I can give them that info. I just know of the fact that they exist and that only people above 18 can attend.”

“Fair enough.”

“There are also food things.”

“What food things?”

“Daredevil hates parsley and vanilla ice cream, Deadpool is obsessed with chimichangas, Spider-Man adores red Dum-Dums, but only red Dum-Dums, any other lollipop will make him punch you in the teeth, I’ve seen him do that to Luke after he offered him a Tootsie-Pop. What else… Hawkeye’s dog eats pizza and pizza only. He refuses any other food, but according to the vet the pup is the healthiest dog he’s ever seen. Danny refuses to drink anything but water and green tea. Wing despises spring rolls.”

“That’s actually kinda weird that you know that.”

“I’ve listened to too many passionate rants about food to not remember that information.”

“So vigilantes are weird. Can you get me interviews?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Niet.”

“Oh come on!”

“I can get you an interview with Rand?”

“That would be great.”

“But pre-recorded. And if his PR Gal decides to not air it, you don’t air it. You don’t mention it. It goes to burn in the trash.”

“Deal.”

“I’ll call him right now.”

“No shit.”

Beeps of a phone number being typed in can be heard and later the sound of a call echoes. Suddenly it stops

“Danny Rand”

“Hey Danny, you owe me a favor, remember?”

“Yeah, thanks for helping me with that by the way.”

“What do you think about giving an interview? Trish Talk, pre-recorded, if you say something private you get to scrap the whole thing.”

“Sounds good to me, I’ll ask Meghan to give Trish a call. Text me her number?”

“Sure.”

“Want to go to dinner with the team on friday?”

“Can Trish join us? It’ll be easier to interview you if she realises that you are a weirdo.”

“Hey! It’s not my fault! Being spoiled for 10 years and then living in a monastery for 15 years with a bunch of monks that are fond of physical punishment and very not fond of rich brats will do that to you.”

“Still better than Matt’s or El’s lives.”

“True.”

“See you on friday.”

“Oh and by the way, Malcolm and Trish are now invited to Colleen’s class, so pass that on to them”

“I’ll do that. Am I still invited to yours?”

“Of course.”

“Good to know. Still won’t come.”

“Asshole.”

“Brat.”

The call disconnects.

"You got an interview with the one and only Danny Rand. And an invitation to team dinner."

"What do you do on team dinner?"

"Rand rents out a chinese restaurant, we sit, eat, scheme and bitch about life."

"Sounds good."

"There are also a couple of other team nights planned. If you don't make anyone uncomfortable you will have a standing invitation."

"I will finally get to meet your friends."

"It's weird that I actually feel ok about you calling them my friends."

“You banter with Danny Rand! How did you become friends?”

“Like I said, mutual interest.”

“I’m not getting anything out of you, am I?”

“You can try to do that with Golden Boy when you set up a date.”

“I’ll do that.”

“What is your thing with vigilantes?”

“The idea of people who fight for the citizens, every night and they don’t expect anything for it? I mean Cage has the Heroes For Hire thing, but only because nobody would employ him after he went public with Diamondback and Cottonmouth.”

“Like I said, tragic backstories.”

“They must be really tragic.”

“You have no idea.”

“You are a celebrity now.”

“More like a known criminal.”

“Nah, a celebrity.”

“I do crime, there is just no proof. Just kidding. Unless?”

“Har har. No but you have paparazzi in front of your office now.”

“Yeah, but my lawyers, who have an office opposite of me, are also kinda famous.”

“Nelson and Murdock”

“Murdock is my lawyer. Nelson deals with most of supers, but Murdock took me when they broke up.”

“They took down Fisk.”

“And defended the fucking Punisher.”

“Yeah, do they talk about that?”

“They argue like an old married couple. It’s hilarious.”

“What do you mean?”

“Their walls are paper thin and after they close and just work in the office you can hear them when they argue so I’m just sitting in my office, the door broken like always, and I just hear them arguing, like Nelson just yelled at him ‘You fucking DUCK!’ like it was the worst insult ever.”

“Duck?”

“Yeah. And Murdock just yells ‘Shut up! I’m not a fucking duck you DINO!’ “

“Dino? Like dinosaur?”

“Yeah, it’s some sort of weird inside joke between them. And Page just yells at them telling them that they are actual avocados. And it somehow stops the argument and they start defending themselves and Nelson is like “Excuse me, we’re the best goddamned avocados.’ “

“What the hell?”

“Yeah. I trust them more than I trust Hogarth so that speaks volumes about somebody.”

“What else?”

“Murdock once defended a red ping pong ball with his life and his ex-kid just fucking ran in there and wrestled him until Page took it and gave it to me.”

“Ex-kid?”

“He had temporary guardianship of him, he later got emancipated and he now just exists. The little asshole bakes amazing cookies.”

“How old is he?”

“17”

“A highschooler?”

“He graduated at 14, now he is a college kid.”

“Damn, he must be smart.”

“He is insanely smart. Way too smart. And when his friends are with him they call them ‘Children Of Hell’”

“Why?”

“They are intimidating, yet so sweet and adorable at the same time that it’s unsettling. They are going to take over the world, so I stay on their good side.”

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“They are absolute delights to be around. Charm everybody, but damn if they aren’t freaky.”

“What are their names?”

“Peter, Michelle and Harry. It’s MJ now, finally got the privileges.”

“Privileges?”

“MJ privileges. She lets you call her MJ if she likes you.”

“Those kids are fascinating, but we are running out of time.”

“Oh how unfortunate.”

“Har har. I’m Trish Walker, this is Jessica Jones and this was Trish Talk. Hear you later.”

-

COMMENTS:

mimiwest: Okay, Nelson and Murdock will now become my lawyers. The best avocados.

harrypotterstan: Who is the Peter kid? It’s like insane that he started college at 14. 

likewisemyfriend: Danny Rand had a really weird childhood

eattherich: I only stan street heroes.

lookatthisbullshit: she was mind controlled for 8 months? i would’ve killed him too tbh.

tiktoker: The fact that respected lawyers act like children gives me life.

abetteregg: Peter, Michelle and Harry? Why are they named like guys who went to school with me and are 17 now? And why do the things like the MJ privilege, Peter leaving school at 14 make sense? And if they are the kids that I'm thinking about then HOLY SHIT PETER GRADUATED AT 14 AND IS NOW IN COLLEGE???????? EVERYBODY THOUGHT HE CHANGED SCHOOLS OR DROPPED OUT?!"!??!,!?,?,!,!,,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the kudos and hits  
\- p


	10. "Everything making Danny confused/sad/nostalgic and generally annoying him."

"Everything making Danny confused/sad/nostalgic and generally annoying him."  
348297 views | 12694 Likes | 129 Dislikes |

-

A black card saying "Danny lived in a monastery since the age of ten. He is very confused by current pop culture, especially things like memes and viral trends. He also has a lot of weird quirks and habits. To simply put it, he's a weird guy. This is a compilation of Danny learning about this day and age, reminiscing, doing weird stuff and his mates just fucking with him. It's all in good fun. Enjoy." appears for ten seconds. 

-  
*Danny after watching the Star Wars prequels for the first time*

"What the hell! Why? Just WHY? Like, why even bother? The films were good and this is just *sputter similar to the 'lipstick in my valentino' vine*. And Jar Jar Binks. Just what were they thinking?!"  
-  
"Wait! MJ is dead? You're not fucking with me? He's dead?" 

A soft voice replies in the background "He was also a pedophile."

"What? Well then. Good. I'm glad he's dead."  
-  
*learning about climate change*

"WHO THE HELL JUST IGNORES THIS! WE ARE A GENERATION OR TWO AWAY FROM DOOM!" *swears in the language used in Kunlun*  
-  
*taken inside of a theater, Danny's eyes are wide open and his mouth is slightly agape* 

"This was the best goddamned thing I've ever seen. The songs. Thank you for the tickets Lin-Manuel Miranda. I'm... just wow."  
-  
*Danny sits on the couch with tears in his eyes*

"Why are you sad?" The same soft voice from before asks.

"My tamagotchi is dead."

*muffled laughter from behind the camera*

"I'm grieving. Let me live."  
-  
"Why are there no Dunkaroos? I just want Dunkaroos. Can I like buy the company that made them and start to sell them again?"  
-  
*watching Shrek*

"I don't know why everybody wanted me to watch this. I love it but I also hate it and I don't know what to think."  
-  
*watching a compilation of internet challenges*

"Why would you eat cinnamon? It's dry and like spicy and intense. It's amazing in food, but on it's own, just no. Why are people entertained by this shit?"  
-  
*learning to box* 

"Yeah, Lei Kung would hate this type of fighting. He only accepted bare knuckles, no wraps and expected, well more than just fists."  
-  
*reading Harry Potter and Goblet of fire* 

*gasp* "He's back"  
-  
*reading Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix* 

*gasp* "She killed Sirius Black"  
-  
*reading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince* 

*gasp* "He killed Dumbledore."  
-  
*reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows* 

*gasp* "He still loved her."  
-  
*the end credits of Inception roll in the back, Danny has a furrowed brow* 

"What just happened?"  
-  
*Danny sits cross legged on some exercise mats, eyes closed and seemingly not even breathing. Suddenly a dumpling is thrown his way and he bends to catch it with his mouth. He returns to peacefully sitting, now chewing a dumpling.*  
-  
*Danny is, again, sitting cross legged in the same place. An asian woman appears with a bluetooth speaker in hand, she places it carefully next to Danny and starts to play S&M by Rihanna. She starts dancing around him. A second woman appears, this one is recognized as Misty Knight, mostly by her metal arm. A third woman appears - this one is Claire Temple, Luke Cage's girlfriend and nurse. Jessica Jones joins, but she only taps her foot on the floor, Luke Cage approaches her, picks her up and starts to dance with her in his arms, much to her dismay. The song ends and everybody leaves the frame, beside Danny who is still sitting and ignoring his surroundings. A Laffy Taffy pops into frame, gets unwrapped and thrown towards Danny. He bends and catches the candy in his mouth.*  
-  
"So, Danny never had a garbage disposal and is now fascinated by it"

*Camera turns to Danny, looking at his sink with wonder in his eyes. He grabs a cheese stick, pops it in the drain, presses the button and watches the food slowly disappearing down the drain. He looks fascinated.*  
-  
*Danny is sitting in front of a large table filled with food. There are several chinese take out boxes, one large pizza, two cheesy gorditas and three burrito bowls. Danny takes the burrito bowls and scoops them onto the pizza, then he folds it like a giant taco. The video fast forwards until the pizza/taco hybrid is gone. He takes the gorditas and scarfs them down in less than 2 minutes total. He is now left with the chinese food, a total of 5 containers. He grabs them and again, fast forward and the food is all gone. Danny gets up and retrieves a large bag of gummy bears and proceeds to munch on them.* 

"This is normal for him. He just eats like that. It's fascinating and kinda concerning. And he is struggling, because he is losing weight. HE IS LOSING WEIGHT. Nope, he doesn't have an eating disorder. He has a crazy ass metabolism and he trains a LOT. And he says that he trains less than back at the monastery. He works out for 4 hours a day, when I'm at work. And he meditates for a minimum of two. Why did I choose this weirdo to be with?"

"Love you too Colleen!"  
-  
"Danny just got his old stuff back and is now just staring at his collection Pokémon cards. They are first editions in perfect condition. He has all of them."

*Danny stares at a binder with carefully protected cards. After setting it down lightly he reaches into one of the many boxes standing next to him. He retrieves a clear bin filled with D&D paraphernalia.*

“Oh fuck, he got his hands on his old D&D stuff. We’re not safe. His office will become a nerd den.”

*Danny pulls out a Star Trek Voyager poster.*

“Crap. I’m making him move out. I’m gonna evict his ass.” 

*Danny rummages around and grabs a smaller box, this one is filled with Sailor Moon manga in japanese.*

“He can stay.”  
-  
“Ey! Danny! Do a flip!” Yells a latino boy

*Danny does a perfect backflip*

“Yeah!”

“Vido, stop bothering Danny.”  
-  
*Danny is wearing a blindfold and fighting with Daredevil in his plain black suit. Daredevil goes for a punch in the gut, but Danny dodges and elbows him in the side, putting him off balance. The Devil isn’t far behind, jumping and kicking Danny right in the chest, flipping, landing gracefully and pressing his boot on Danny’s neck. The camera turns around and zooms in on Luke Cage.*

“What? How do they even do that? They’re blindfolded!”

“He’s a ninja munk.” Says Daredevil, like it explains everything

*Luke has a very confused look on his face*  
-  
*Danny holding a furby. The little animatronic makes a noise. Danny jumps and drops it.*

“Who likes these?”  
-  
*A teenager is holding a phone. He is playing vines on the TV*

‘This bitch empty, YEET!’

*The teenager laughs like crazy, while Danny looks over at him.*

“Peter, are you ok?”  
-

COMMENTS:

huffpuff: How does he eat so much food? How does he work out so much? He is a noodle. A NOODLE.

mykukuisback: Danny ignoring everything but food is SUCH A MOOD

fluckerman: he’s sad about his tamagotchi let the boy live. v soft

leviosanotleviosa: Danny just wanting to buy a company for DUNKAROOS is so fucking funny.

kuhwamac: What type of monastery teaches to fight?

eypepepepepe: Him reacting to Harry Potter is so funny ngl

jakeperaltarawme: Danny being a huge nerd is honestly so in character

hasBRUH: His fascination with the garbage disposal reminds me of my little brother. My little brother is two.


	11. “Spider-Man’s weirdest quotes and funniest (?) quips."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch oh, the bitch is back

“Spider-Man’s weirdest quotes and funniest (?) quips.”

895185 views | 97543 Likes | 534 Dislikes |

-

“In theory human flesh is vegan, if you have the person's consent, meaning that we can use Wade and his healing factor to make endless vegan meat and leather, as long as he agrees.”

“Baby boy. Munchkins. Honeycheeks. What the actual fuck?”

-

*in a perfect posh english accent, the kind you would hear in The Crown* “You absolute buffoon, you neanderthal, you moronic beast. You dare come to my good home and shit on wonderful british media? Your lack of love for the greater things in life is offensive!”

-

*locks eyes with Danny Rand* “Eat the rich. Eat the rich. EAT THE RICH.  **EAT THE RICH. **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


E̴͙̤͉̝̎͆͂A̶̼͓̳͎̬͑̈̆͝͝T̷̞̫̈̃͛ ̴̩̈́T̶͓̜̥́͊H̷̛̗̫̠̟̖̀E̸̳̙͎͋͘ ̷̛͓͂R̶͕̮̬̔͊̾̂͜Ī̸̡̞͖̞̆C̴̦̠̏H̵̛͙͉͈̑ E̴̢̯͈͇̱̳̫͖̯̠͕͕̦̭͚͇̥͖͉̩͇͖͚͚̩̬̎̌̀͘͜͜ͅͅĄ̷̖̠̮͕̉͛̉̆̂́̑̋̽́͗͗̉̂͛͐̆̽͌͗͐̉̓͘̚̚͝͝͝͠͝Ṯ̶̨̗̻̱̹̘͕͍̟͇̲̙͙̱̣̺̙͙̺̱̟͚̱͈̆̆͊͆̆͂̈́̀̇̽͗͗ ̷̧̛̛̼̭͓̪͚̞̝̺̙͙̪̾͗̉̓̄͒́̑̀̑̂͝Ţ̵̢̡̬̹̬͚͓͇͕̩̞̰͇̯̘͉̩̯͚̱̟̘͊̅͘ͅH̶̢̢̨͇̝̼̥̞͚̬̠̯̩͔̭͙̮̆̉̏̇̈́̏̑͆̍̆̚͘Ė̵̘̟̤̖̳̪̩͉͙̬̯̪͕̰̘̼̞̠̗̥͕͓̠̙̤̮̒͌͆̈̀́̀̏̾̔͛͗͌̈̕̕͘͜ͅ ̴̡͎̭͇̹̤̙̘̱̜̩̱̟͇̝̠̼͍͖̼̘̫͖̝̗̣͉̠̣̓̔̌͌̈́̉̇̾͊̊̿̅̎̊̍͋̀͗̓͛̈́͆̾̐̈́̚͝R̵̨̧̛̛͓̞̱̳̠͕̔̎̀͌̓̽̈̌͗̓̈́̄̑̓̽͊́͒͂͛͐͊̽̊̅̚͘͝͝͝͠ͅḮ̶̬̙̯͈͓̼͓̮͍͈̩̦̻̱̮̭̪̭̪͖̭̘̙̳̭̥̮͙͚͋͐̈̓͂̀̏͒̋̍͜͝͝͠C̶̝̻̩̹̜̘̲̓̚H̵̨̛̥̠̩̫̤͔̱̭͙̪̬̲͖̰͙̬́̊͗̇̂̂͗̔̈́̽̕͜͝͝͠͠ͅ ̴̨̡̧̡̨̛̛͉̠̗̝͓̞͓̜͖͙͔̰͍̝̹̼͙͖͒̒̓̔̊̎̄͂͆̎̈̎̈́̇̓̿̓̾͗̐̑͂̂̕͝͠͠͝͝E̶̡̧̡̛̛̛͍͚͚͕̜̝͔͓̪͚͚̤̺͇̦͕͓̬͖̫̤͈̦̠̺̲̟̲̙̪̫͚̺̭͍͓̞̟̯̹̰̰̗͓̼͇̫̯̰̻̘̻̋̌͆͊̃̈́͋̇̇́̂̀̎̈́͋̍͆͌͐͗̈̓̿́͗͒̊̆͋́͌̈͘̕̚̚͝͠Ą̷̢̨̨̡̢̧͓̫̳̠͇̼͚̖͈͔͈̖͇̣͉̣̗͉̯͖̹̤̬͚̤͔̫̥͉̘͍͔̪͕̪̲̙͖̈́̔̆͑̃͂͒̔̔̀̂̏̎̊̊͌͑͗̓̍̑͛̾̈̋̑͂̈́̔͌͒́̓̚̚̚͠͝͝͠T̸̨̨̡̡̻͖̬͉̺͍̹̯̱̻̦̲̤̞̟̘̥̯͉̰͉͈̰̟̬̦̮͓̜̟͖̫̘͎̻͓̦̠͈͘ͅͅ ̵̡̡̡̛͚̜͔͉͇̺̙̠̜̼͉̰̘̣̠̻̜̟̤̘̳̟̪͈̦̭̲͉̙̫̟͈̤̤̞̗̩̗̗̞̩͕̟̜̰̤̣͇̬̑͑̋̍̾̓̈́̈́̓̇̓̔̑̃̄̓͊̈́̃̓̆̕͘͜͝ͅͅͅT̶̢̼̹̠̦̦̹̙̩͇̪̪̱̙̼̙̣̄̍̇H̴̨̧̦̼͙͖͓̳͓̥̜̮̠̠͎͔͎̠̺̞̜̦̩͕̘̖̜͓͚̼̠̤͖̭͙͍͔̙̗̺̜̝̞̲̟̦̩̔̈́͆̅͌͑͆͋́̅͛̓̓͆̿̄̎͗̐͂̂̆͛̎̍̎̅͜͝͝͝E̷̲̯̪͎̘̭̯̖͂͛̇̍̒̈́̍́̾̈́̿͋͒̾̈͒́̀̑̑͗̕̚͠͝͝͠͝͠ ̸̨̡̧̧̢̞͉̜͙͙̰̙͙͓̤̮͍̟̣͉̪̪͉̙͔̙̤͚̣̗̯̖̮̯̝̲͙̪͖̺̫̺͍͖̣͉̣̄̌̋͊͜͜͜R̵̨̢̡̡̡̧̛̭̠͖̦̱̮̙̮͖̫̠̖̳͕̣̩͚͇̰͈̩̼̦̮͔̞̞̦̰̹̤̰͍̘͎̻̫͓̻̫̰̭̲͚͐̀̿̂̓̀̆̂̓̄̂̊̄̐͛͛̒̿̅͂͑̑͐̎́̔̓͂͋̏̄̕͜͜͜͜͝͝͠ͅÌ̶̢̡̨̦̩͔͈̼͈̖̜̯̘̗̱͉̼̪͕̱͈̹͚͉̈́́̊͒̈́̋͜C̴̨̨̡̡̤̗̜̺̫̮̣͎̺̜͕͉͚̲̬̝̖̮̙̣͉̱̦̫̥͚̥͓̝̪̹͖̝̼͙͔͈̫̩͙͕̲͇̦̟͙̝̺̝̊͜ͅH̵̨̧̛͕̦̮̳̟̖̝̗͖̼͓͔̬̣̜̣̱͍̪̖̝̩͇͖̊̄̓̓̈́̽̃̈͋̊͋̐̅͂̒̉͂̅͗̓̈́̾̄̏̿̑͐̎̎̂͑̂̑̅̋̅̅͛͠͝͠͝ ̴̧̡̢̧̧͚̰̪͎̹̼̼̹̝͈͇̮̲̫͖̘̝̫̙͈̰̫͉̪͕̞̙̓͜͜͜  ** ̴̨̡̧̡̨̛̛͉̠̗̝͓̞͓̜͖͙͔̰͍̝̹̼͙͖͒̒̓̔̊̎̄͂͆̎̈̎̈́̇̓̿̓̾͗̐̑͂̂̕͝͠͠͝͝E̶̡̧̡̛̛̛͍͚͚͕̜̝͔͓̪͚͚̤̺͇̦͕͓̬͖̫̤͈̦̠̺̲̟̲̙̪̫͚̺̭͍͓̞̟̯̹̰̰̗͓̼͇̫̯̰̻̘̻̋̌͆͊̃̈́͋̇̇́̂̀̎̈́͋̍͆͌͐͗̈̓̿́͗͒̊̆͋́͌̈͘̕̚̚͝͠Ą̷̢̨̨̡̢̧͓̫̳̠͇̼͚̖͈͔͈̖͇̣͉̣̗͉̯͖̹̤̬͚̤͔̫̥͉̘͍͔̪͕̪̲̙͖̈́̔̆͑̃͂͒̔̔̀̂̏̎̊̊͌͑͗̓̍̑͛̾̈̋̑͂̈́̔͌͒́̓̚̚̚͠͝͝͠T̸̨̨̡̡̻͖̬͉̺͍̹̯̱̻̦̲̤̞̟̘̥̯͉̰͉͈̰̟̬̦̮͓̜̟͖̫̘͎̻͓̦̠͈͘ͅͅ ̵̡̡̡̛͚̜͔͉͇̺̙̠̜̼͉̰̘̣̠̻̜̟̤̘̳̟̪͈̦̭̲͉̙̫̟͈̤̤̞̗̩̗̗̞̩͕̟̜̰̤̣͇̬̑͑̋̍̾̓̈́̈́̓̇̓̔̑̃̄̓͊̈́̃̓̆̕͘͜͝ͅͅͅT̶̢̼̹̠̦̦̹̙̩͇̪̪̱̙̼̙̣̄̍̇H̴̨̧̦̼͙͖͓̳͓̥̜̮̠̠͎͔͎̠̺̞̜̦̩͕̘̖̜͓͚̼̠̤͖̭͙͍͔̙̗̺̜̝̞̲̟̦̩̔̈́͆̅͌͑͆͋́̅͛̓̓͆̿̄̎͗̐͂̂̆͛̎̍̎̅͜͝͝͝E̷̲̯̪͎̘̭̯̖͂͛̇̍̒̈́̍́̾̈́̿͋͒̾̈͒́̀̑̑͗̕̚͠͝͝͠͝͠ ̸̨̡̧̧̢̞͉̜͙͙̰̙͙͓̤̮͍̟̣͉̪̪͉̙͔̙̤͚̣̗̯̖̮̯̝̲͙̪͖̺̫̺͍͖̣͉̣̄̌̋͊͜͜͜R̵̨̢̡̡̡̧̛̭̠͖̦̱̮̙̮͖̫̠̖̳͕̣̩͚͇̰͈̩̼̦̮͔̞̞̦̰̹̤̰͍̘͎̻̫͓̻̫̰̭̲͚͐̀̿̂̓̀̆̂̓̄̂̊̄̐͛͛̒̿̅͂͑̑͐̎́̔̓͂͋̏̄̕͜͜͜͜͝͝͠ͅÌ̶̢̡̨̦̩͔͈̼͈̖̜̯̘̗̱͉̼̪͕̱͈̹͚͉̈́́̊͒̈́̋͜C̴̨̨̡̡̤̗̜̺̫̮̣͎̺̜͕͉͚̲̬̝̖̮̙̣͉̱̦̫̥͚̥͓̝̪̹͖̝̼͙͔͈̫̩͙͕̲͇̦̟͙̝̺̝̊͜ͅH̵̨̧̛͕̦̮̳̟̖̝̗͖̼͓͔̬̣̜̣̱͍̪̖̝̩͇͖̊̄̓̓̈́̽̃̈͋̊͋̐̅͂̒̉͂̅͗̓̈́̾̄̏̿̑͐̎̎̂͑̂̑̅̋̅̅͛͠͝͠͝ ̴̧̡̢̧̧͚̰̪͎̹̼̼̹̝͈͇̮̲̫͖̘̝̫̙͈̰̫͉̪͕̞̙̓͜͜͜ ** ** _ ̴̨̡̧̡̨̛̛͉̠̗̝͓̞͓̜͖͙͔̰͍̝̹̼͙͖͒̒̓̔̊̎̄͂͆̎̈̎̈́̇̓̿̓̾͗̐̑͂̂̕͝͠͠͝͝E̶̡̧̡̛̛̛͍͚͚͕̜̝͔͓̪͚͚̤̺͇̦͕͓̬͖̫̤͈̦̠̺̲̟̲̙̪̫͚̺̭͍͓̞̟̯̹̰̰̗͓̼͇̫̯̰̻̘̻̋̌͆͊̃̈́͋̇̇́̂̀̎̈́͋̍͆͌͐͗̈̓̿́͗͒̊̆͋́͌̈͘̕̚̚͝͠Ą̷̢̨̨̡̢̧͓̫̳̠͇̼͚̖͈͔͈̖͇̣͉̣̗͉̯͖̹̤̬͚̤͔̫̥͉̘͍͔̪͕̪̲̙͖̈́̔̆͑̃͂͒̔̔̀̂̏̎̊̊͌͑͗̓̍̑͛̾̈̋̑͂̈́̔͌͒́̓̚̚̚͠͝͝͠T̸̨̨̡̡̻͖̬͉̺͍̹̯̱̻̦̲̤̞̟̘̥̯͉̰͉͈̰̟̬̦̮͓̜̟͖̫̘͎̻͓̦̠͈͘ͅͅ ̵̡̡̡̛͚̜͔͉͇̺̙̠̜̼͉̰̘̣̠̻̜̟̤̘̳̟̪͈̦̭̲͉̙̫̟͈̤̤̞̗̩̗̗̞̩͕̟̜̰̤̣͇̬̑͑̋̍̾̓̈́̈́̓̇̓̔̑̃̄̓͊̈́̃̓̆̕͘͜͝ͅͅͅT̶̢̼̹̠̦̦̹̙̩͇̪̪̱̙̼̙̣̄̍̇H̴̨̧̦̼͙͖͓̳͓̥̜̮̠̠͎͔͎̠̺̞̜̦̩͕̘̖̜͓͚̼̠̤͖̭͙͍͔̙̗̺̜̝̞̲̟̦̩̔̈́͆̅͌͑͆͋́̅͛̓̓͆̿̄̎͗̐͂̂̆͛̎̍̎̅͜͝͝͝E̷̲̯̪͎̘̭̯̖͂͛̇̍̒̈́̍́̾̈́̿͋͒̾̈͒́̀̑̑͗̕̚͠͝͝͠͝͠ ̸̨̡̧̧̢̞͉̜͙͙̰̙͙͓̤̮͍̟̣͉̪̪͉̙͔̙̤͚̣̗̯̖̮̯̝̲͙̪͖̺̫̺͍͖̣͉̣̄̌̋͊͜͜͜R̵̨̢̡̡̡̧̛̭̠͖̦̱̮̙̮͖̫̠̖̳͕̣̩͚͇̰͈̩̼̦̮͔̞̞̦̰̹̤̰͍̘͎̻̫͓̻̫̰̭̲͚͐̀̿̂̓̀̆̂̓̄̂̊̄̐͛͛̒̿̅͂͑̑͐̎́̔̓͂͋̏̄̕͜͜͜͜͝͝͠ͅÌ̶̢̡̨̦̩͔͈̼͈̖̜̯̘̗̱͉̼̪͕̱͈̹͚͉̈́́̊͒̈́̋͜C̴̨̨̡̡̤̗̜̺̫̮̣͎̺̜͕͉͚̲̬̝̖̮̙̣͉̱̦̫̥͚̥͓̝̪̹͖̝̼͙͔͈̫̩͙͕̲͇̦̟͙̝̺̝̊͜ͅH̵̨̧̛͕̦̮̳̟̖̝̗͖̼͓͔̬̣̜̣̱͍̪̖̝̩͇͖̊̄̓̓̈́̽̃̈͋̊͋̐̅͂̒̉͂̅͗̓̈́̾̄̏̿̑͐̎̎̂͑̂̑̅̋̅̅͛͠͝͠͝ ̴̧̡̢̧̧͚̰̪͎̹̼̼̹̝͈͇̮̲̫͖̘̝̫̙͈̰̫͉̪͕̞̙̓͜͜͜ _ **

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


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“Wade, Double D, please shut the heck up. I’m trying to defuse a bomb here and your aggressive flirting isn’t helping me.”

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*Deadpool switches camera to selfie mode* “Spider-Man is a fake. He isn’t a pure sunshine child. He swears, like all the time. He just pretends to be PG 13 for the children.”

*Spidey looks surprised, his lenses expanding* “Don’t expose me, Wade-Bo.”

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“A cop just shot me. Binch I do your jobs. I STOP A MINIMUM OF 10 PERPS A NIGHT AND PROVIDE EVIDENCE NEEDED FOR CONVICTION. HOW MANY PERPS DO YOU STOP A DAY? IF I HAVE TO JUMP IN FRONT OF BULLETS TO STOP YOU FROM SHOOTING A TEENAGER WITH A BOTTLE OF BEER THEN SOMETHING IS WRONG.” 

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*looks at Domino and Daredevil flirting* “Wade, why did you bring her? We are looking for Black Cat and if we find her the three of them will have a threeway. On the roof. With us here. They are shameless. You know this Wade.”

“Oh I know.”

“Didn’t pin you for a voyeur.”

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“There are like 35 thousand cops in New York and yet I know of like…” *counts on fingers* “maybe seven or eight trustworthy ones. Actually one of them isn’t a cop, just an assistant.”

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“Ouch, this hurts more than being outsmarted by Wade.”

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“Wow, this is a terrible drug trafficking scheme. What kind of crappy crack, heh, do you smoke?”

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“You know what, Prowley? You should really rethink your style choices. Like I’m here for the purple, but in combination with the green it’s kind of Mysterio-esque to me. No tea, no shade, but maybe change the green to a navy or like a gunmetal grey.” 

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“Why are my enemies so weird? Like, not to shame or anything, but they are either furries or just nuts. Like I have to fight Panda-Mania, White Rabbit, Tarantula, Grizzly, Man-Wolf, hecking Kangaroo. Do Scorpion, Lizard and Beetle count as furries? I don’t care. The point is that my super villain of the week is a mad scientist with a tentacle fetish.”

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“You look like that kid in your school that uses the urinal with their pants pulled down to their ankles.”

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“Do you ever just want to watch a movie and then realise that Kevin Spacey is in the cast? That’s what it feels to run into an enemy on patrol.”

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“Daredevil is easier than a four piece jigsaw puzzle.”

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“Powered people need therapy, but I can’t just waltz into some poor doctors office and tell them about getting crushed under 10 tons of concrete and being drowned in greywater on a regular basis.”

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“Hanging out with Danny is fun, because you’re just doing something stupid and he suddenly starts telling you about some mystical crap that sounds like it came straight from the fantasy section, but then he gets actual evidence and makes you question everything. It’s great.”

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“I love being able to climb skyscrapers, because you can do almost anything there. I practiced a dance routine to ‘Umbrella’ on Avengers Tower once. That was fun.”

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*Sits with Wade and Daredevil in a booth in a diner, talks to the waitress* “These buttwipes wanted to come in here for pie, so please get me just one black coffee. Just that. Don’t take orders from them. I’m the only one with cash and I will tip you generously. I’m begging you. They need to learn not to bug me.”

“Heh, bug me.” 

“Shut up Wade, or I will add actual burn scars to your face.”

-

*pretends to pull out a baggie of white powder out of perp’s pocket and speaks with an exaggerated Chicago accent* “Yo, what the fuck is this?”

*perp appears to be confused* “That’s not… That’s not mine?”

*Headbutts confused perp* “I threw him off his rhythm”

*Daredevil looks at Spidey with confusion* “What’s in the baggie?”

“Baby aspirin.”

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“There are a couple of songs named after Spider-Man, so imagine me working at a KMart, ‘cause I’m like a normal dude outside the suit, and listening to songs about me. Pete Davidson, you are not the only person this can happen to.”

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“Honestly, fuck Staten Island. It’s the worst. The Bronx, Queens, Brooklyn, Manhattan, they’re all good, but STATEN ISLAND. UGH. There it’s either white trash snorting coke or white trash smoking meth. Nothing in between.”

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“I would pay good money to get Ryan Reynolds to meet Wade. I’m pretty sure that they're each others split personalities.”

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COMMENTS:

no1spideystan: Poor Spidey :( He can’t even go to therapy. 

nuevoyork: stop hating on Staten Island 

biguwuenergy: Spider-Man v. Furries would be a better movie than Batman v. Superman

drinkingbuddy: STREET SMARTS

justdance: Wait, what mystical things are real?

abolishcapitalism: EAT THE RICH

daddylikeit: spidey, what the hell with the vegan meat thing? are u okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what the diddly heck is up my dudez, i'm back but idk for how long. i have everything up to ch. 15 done and i am now open to ideas, suggestions, promots. i thought this would last max. 20 chapters, but as long as i or you have ideas then i'm going to keep writing. updates on fridays  
-p
> 
> Due to some technical issues the update will be late, but it will be up by Christmas


	12. “Deadpool (not captain) at his funniest”

“Deadpool (not captain) at his best”  
420069 views | 58008 Likes | 86 Dislikes

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Black block text appears on a blank white background and says “There would be more moments, but they included a lot of blood and very very very vile things.”  
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*Domino looks at Deadpool* “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me?” 

“It’s actually just a hand I borrowed.”  
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“Out of all the methods to commit suicide I haven’t tried seppuku yet.”  
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“Are you smiling or is it just all of the drugs I did?”  
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“Incest-TWINcest-WINcest!”  
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“My Little Pony is a beautiful and meaningful animated TV show with plot, romance and humor and I will not stand here and listen to you hating on it!”  
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“Getting shot was a lot more fun when I wasn’t immortal. Hell, now I don’t even get cool scars since it’s kinda hard to get scars on one big scar.”  
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“God, I miss being able to get high on one or two oxys.”  
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“Dickwaffles.”  
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“You motherfucking, dick sucking, ass fucking, Riverdale watching piece of human garbage!”  
-  
“You seem like a guy that gets off on incest porn.”  
-  
“Do you think Colossus has a colossal metal dick?”  
-  
“I think I would look KILLER with gel nails. Ha, killer.”  
-  
"I would rather fondle Bill Cosby's balls than help you."  
-  
"I'm as certain as The Pope's dick is straight, meaning I’m not sure."  
-  
"Al just got a new ASKVOLL and I need to see her just try and find all of the right screws. Oh man, I hope the bodega on the corner sells popcorn."  
-  
“Kitty White is iconic, legendary and an absolute queen.”  
-  
“I might have snorted like, two bricks of coke.”  
-  
“I wanna be on the team with Dom and Double D! Dream threesome!”  
-  
“Mister Sparkle was my first crush. God, his glittery plush hooves. Still gets me all kinds of riled up.”  
-  
“Does anybody know a YouTuber with a code for Adam and Eve? I plan on making a big order for when I see Wolvie next month.”  
-  
“You think I should open a JustFans for all of the pictures of Spideys and Double D’s ass I hoard?”  
-  
“I have a plan, but I need two epipens and a light up shot glass.”  
-

COMMENTS:

lullaby: I would pay for the ass pics tbh

killtheturtles: HE’S A BRONY

hellosatan: Kitty is an icon

exoskeleton: Fuck now I’m thinking about Colossus’ dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry chrysler  
i'm now taking requests  
-p


	13. “Daredevil answers questions he really doesn’t want to answer and then does something he also doesn't want to do because he sucks.”

“Daredevil answers questions he really doesn’t want to answer and then does something he also doesn't want to do because he sucks.”  
367873 views | 13456 Likes | 216 Dislikes |

\- 

“Ugh, do I have to do this Spidey?” Says Daredevil, sounding tired

“Yes, you promised me.” A relatively high voice belonging to Spider-Man comes from behind the camera

“Are you doing puppy dog eyes? I feel like you’re doing puppy dog eyes. I don’t know because of mask.”

“Yes, I’m doing puppy dog eyes. Please, Double D!”

“Fine.” Growls DD

-

“Hi I’m your worst fucking nightmare, right next to Frank Castle and Deadpool, Daredevil. I’m going to be answering some dumbass questions, because I made a promise to Spidey.”

“Yes he did. And we are answering a bunch of questions I found online, mainly from Quora.”

“He’s behind the camera, by the way. I hope I don’t say anything unwanted on camera.”

“We’ll just cut those parts out.”

“Ugh, I hate you.”

“No you don’t.”

“No I don’t.”

-

‘What is Daredevil’s real name?’

“Blake”

-

‘Does Daredevil have a life outside of the suit?’

“Yes, I am actually DA Blake Tower. I’m totally the DA. Put me in prison.”

-

‘Does Daredevil prefer dogs or cats?’

“Rats.”

-

‘How old is Daredevil?’

“I’m an immortal amphibian creature that lives in caves. I do not age. Just kidding, I’m Blake Tower.”

-

‘Does Daredevil kill?’

“I don’t know, does he?”

-

‘Where is Daredevil from?’

“The flames of Mordor, where the ring was forged by Sauron and the only place where it can be destroyed.”

-

‘Does Daredevil have a significant other?’

“Nope, I am very single and very, very, very easy. If you are into men and have had a one night stand in the last fifteen years in the NYC area then there’s a chance you fucked or have been fucked by Daredevil.”

-

‘Why does Daredevil dress up as a devil?’

“I needed a brand, same way Castle has one. I like to make criminals shit their pants at my sight, it’s just practical to have them turn themselves in instead of waiting to get beat up.”

-

‘Who is the red ninja girl seen with Daredevil?’

“She’s a badass bitch, that’s who she fucking is.”

-

‘What is the relationship between Deadpool and Daredevil?’

“We had sex a couple of times and now he just annoys me to death OR we team up to annoy Spidey to the point he threatens bodily harm, which is rare for him.”

-

“Okay DD, so we got the more normal questions out of the way, so now we go to the nonsense part.”

“Oh fuck, these were the normal ones?”

“Yeah, you’ll be giving advice to desperate, sad bastards who fell so low that they had to ask Quora.”

-

‘I’m sixteen and I’m sexually attracted to vegetables. What should I do?’

“You should fuck a string bean.”

-

‘How can I know that I’m pregnant?’

“Punch yourself in the stomach reeeeeal hard and if you find blood in your underwear in the following days you are not pregnant. If there is no blood then you should get a pregnancy test or go to a medical professional. Actually you can skip the first part.”

-

‘How to combat my sex addiction?’

“Oh I’m not the right person to ask, but if you need somebody to feed your addiction, please just hit me the fuck up and I’ll be glad to help.”

-

‘How can I help my self-esteem?’

“You can get a job, own a business, bitch suck a dick. But for real, just try to do something useful and treat yourself once in a while.”

-

‘How can I get superpowers?’

“Human experimentation. It seems to be the most popular option.”

-

‘Why did my parents divorce?’

“Fucking hell Spidey, why do I have to answer those fucking questions?”

“You promised me to answer any questions I give you if I manage to get a better score at skeeball. Unless you want to take the other option?”

-

‘Is god real?’

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.” Daredevil buried his head in his lap “I’ll do it.”

-

Daredevil straightens his helmet and smoothes out the wrinkles on his suit. He takes a deep breath and looks into the camera.

“Spider-Man is the greatest Vigilante/Superhero/Detective/Genius. I am inferior.”

“HA! YOU SAID IT. NO TAKESIE BACKSIES!”

-

COMMENTS:

astringbean: I’m dtf if anybody’s asking

yuleisbetterthanchristmas: Is he actually so easy? Lmao thought that it was just a stupid joke  
|  
NYC’s Vigilantes: We don’t leave him alone with anyone potentially interested in him sexually and a surface where they can have sex because it’s gonna happen.

justdancebyladygaga: NO TAKESIE BACKSIES LHDJHJKJSHFKJHDKFJAHKSJFH

felicityissmoaking: the self esteem advice is actually good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> merry mcfucking yule


	14. "Random moments that didn't make it into other videos"

"Random moments that didn't make it into other videos"  
356184 views | 16394 Likes | 53 Dislikes |

-  
*Deadpool hugs a sad looking Spidey* "Baby boy, do I need to unalive somebody?"  
-  
*Frank carries Spidey in his arms* "Don't you dare stand on that foot. It's broken and I don't want you getting hurt even more."

"Uuh! Frank is acting like a dad again!" Jessica teases  
-  
*Jessica is in a slav squat, a bottle with a clear liquid and the label ripped off in one of her hands. People in the background are sitting on the ground or squatting and throwing back shots. Loud music can be heard and she has a bright, delighted look on her face.* “I don’t fucking understand this place, but I’m coming back.”  
-  
*Spider-Man has a Red Vine hanging out of the corner of his mouth. Danny Rand leans into frame and grabs the candy with his teeth, pulling on it until it snaps.* “Danny, buy your own Red Vines. You are a billionaire.”  
-  
“I could really go for some mexican”

“Oh boy, then I know the restaurant for you!”

“What is your deal with mexican food, Pool?”  
-  
*Jessica is standing with Luke, both gazing at Frank and Wade arguing* “I’m willing to bet on Castle snapping and breaking at least 3 of DP's bones by the end of tonight." 

"And I say that he breaks none or 1 bone. And if I win you have to wear the Jewel suit for 3 planned outings."

"And if I win you do the same with the Power Man suit?"

"Naturally. Deal?"

*Jessica extends her hand* "Deal"  
-  
*Luke is wearing a shirt with only three buttons done, made out of a cheap synthetic material and blue, tight pants with yellow cuffs that match the shirt. He has a chain functioning as a belt. He has a wide frown and Jessica, who is standing next to him, is looking extremely smug.*  
-  
“I can help with that, but I need three sheets of sandpaper, a metal straw, 250 grams of FOX-7 and a furby.”

“Stop fucking with us Pool. I’ll tell Webs to get everything, besides the furby.”

“Actually I need the furby, I don’t need the straw.I can’t find these little ass suckin motherfuckers locally and whilst the turtles are a danger to our society I like the ocean and I don’t trust Jeff Bezos. People like him deserve a visit from Bea, Arthur, Hale and Oates.”  
-  
*Jessica lifts a grand piano, moving it out of the way of a door. She turns to Luke.* “Wanna drop a piano on this motherfucker?”

“No. You still haven’t told me who we are chasing.”

“A kiddie fondler.”

“You think that hemp rope will hold up that piano?”  
-  
*Spider-Man is braiding strands of web with single-minded focus.* “Whadda you doing?” 

“I’m making you a leash because you are out of control and I’m way tired of your bullshit.”

“Kinky.”  
-

COMMENTS:

tylermanning: fuck Jeff Bezos

melaninbabe: so Frank is The Dad™ of the vigilante kind

kissitbetter: Who’s Bea, Arthur, Hale and Oates?

youuuuuusouljaboytellem: dropping a piano on somebody seems more like a deadpool thing than a JJ ot LC thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happ earth finishing one orbit around the sun and if you have any ideas for future chapters then lemme know in the comments.  
-p


	15. “Vigilantes being a danger to their own safety”

“Vigilantes being a danger to their own safety”  
400567 views | 34064 Likes | 245 Dislikes

-  
*Spider-Man is on a rooftop and gazes at a wall of the next building with an intense expression, Frank Castle is standing next to him and saying something* “Every hallway and entrance point is too heavily covered, we’d need Cage or Pool to deal with it.”

*The lenses of Spider-Man’s mask get smaller and he tilts his head to the side* “There is an empty corridor.”

“Well, yeah. But there’s no windows.”

*Spidey takes a couple steps back, runs ahead and cannonballs onto the wall. The flimsy wall breaks and there is a decent-sized hole to use as an entrance point* “Come on Frank! They’ll be here in twenty seconds”  
-  
*Daredevil is cut off by a large growling dog. Instead of backing off he kneels and starts to growl back at it, wearing an intense expression and staring right at the dog, which soon starts to cower and back away in fear. An accented feminine voice comes from off camera.* “What the hell, dear?”  
-  
*Jessica is standing in a dingy looking kitchen. She is wearing a thin wifebeater stained with blood and holding a roll of cling film and wrapping it around her torso.* “Jessica, you should go to a hospital.”

“Why? They’ll charge me 20 dollars for a band-aid and keep me there for too long and I’ve got shit to do Trish.”

“What injuries exactly did you suffer?”

“Uhm, I have a stab wound duct taped, butterfly strips on a couple of cuts, KT tape on my ribs and the whole cling wrap situation. Oh and Double D stapled a bullet hole on my shoulder.”

*Some light ruffling and sloshing is heard. A low, masculine voice yells* “You’re welcome for that by the way!”

“Wait, Daredevil is here?!

“Yeah, he’s in the bathroom.”

“And what injuries does he have?”

“He got slashed with a cutlass”

“Then why isn’t he in a hospital!”

“Because the cutlass was covered in poison and the only way to neutralize it is that cure thing and he won’t bleed out anytime soon!”  
-  
*Danny is nervously calling somebody, behind him is a ticking bomb* “Yeah, Colleen. I don’t think the bomb squad will make it in time. We are surrounded by tons of concrete and even Jess or Luke can’t get through the door. No, nobody knows how to disable it, the squad is no help through the phone.” 

*Jessica approaches the bomb. She grabs a random wire and yanks on it. It rips away and the bomb turns off. Everybody is staring at her.* “What? We were going to die either way and this option gave us...” *counts the wires on the bomb* "about 5.9% chance."  
-  
*Spidey is soldering wires together, attaching them to an Arduino and a circuit board.* “What are you doing Webs?”

“I’m making a little robot that has a giant ass metal piston spike so he can stab shins of criminals.” *Camera pans to a small robot with a design similar to an AT-AT, but instead of the head there is a spike. There are several wires connecting what Webs is working on and the body of his robot. The spike suddenly ejects with a huge amount of force.* "It seems that my little buddy is happy to see you Wade.”

"That's what she said."  
-  
*Spider-Man is swinging through streets of Manhattan. He is wearing a rainbow pride flag as a cape and several pieces of tinsel and confetti are falling off of him with every *thwip*. Suddenly a pigeon gets tangled in the cape and starts to thrash around uncontrollably and Spidey lets out a high pitched scream. He falls to the ground with a loud *splat* and the bird flies out of the flag calmly.*  
-  
*Jessica is holding an 0.7 liter bottle of Absolut Vodka and looking at it with a furrowed brow. Suddenly she shrugs and unscrews the top, breaking the seal and starting to chug it straight out of the bottle, drinking at least a quarter of it. She passes it to a red clad hand that belongs to Daredevil, who took two long swigs before passing it to another hand, this one only had regular wraps on his knuckles and it was Danny Rand. He takes one long drink, about a half of what DD drank, before giving it to someone with leather gloves. That is Frank Castle who pulls out a small flask and pours some in and then takes two small sips. The next person in their little chain was Luke Cage who simply passes it to the next person. Spider-Man looks at it and scoffs.* “I’m not drinking this swedish shit. It’s a disgrace to vodka.”

“Well if you wanna drink you have no choice, unless you stash booze in your emergency duffles.”

*Spider-Man turns around, revealing that they are standing on a rooftop. He lifts a large concrete flower planter and moves it to reveal an indent in a wall with a small black duffle hidden in it. He unzips the bag and pulls out a couple of brown paper bags. He empties them all before pulling out a small bottle wrapped in brown paper. He holds it above his head like a prize.* “This, my dear friends, is 250 milliliters of good ol’ polish vodka. The only vodka on the same level is russian vodka.”

“Why in the world do you keep vodka in your go bags?”

“Sometimes a bitch just needs to have a drink.”  
-  
*Jessica Jones is carrying Daredevil, who is holding a broom handle, on her back. Daredevil is aggressively whacking the ceiling with it, leaving a series of holes. Suddenly four large rats fall out and scurry around Jess, startling her. She drops DD and a loud crunch echoes around the room.*

“My leeeeeg.”  
-

COMMENTS:

yuledite: oh my god idk if i trust them with my safety more or less than before

JuJu: the only acceptable vodka comes from eastern europe. periodt.

veryveryextraordinary: the Jones and DD clinic for superheroes: duct tape, staples, butterfly bandages, cling wrap, booze (probably) and magic poison cure????

yEEAAAHH: omfg Spider-Man can build robots

lullaby: DD growling at that dog is really funny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm desperate for any ideas or inspirations - if you have an idea or you know of a good fic with any of these characters then go ahead and comment them! I don't want this to die or go on hiatus and my imagination box is failing me so pleas im begging. help to stop the fires in australia and don't forget to drink water and stay hydrated  
-p


	16. "Frank Castle (The Punisher and also wanted mass murderer/domestic terrorist) gets a gun in 5 different ways"

"Frank Castle (The Punisher and also wanted mass murderer/domestic terrorist) gets a gun in 5 different ways"  
236196 views | 2613 Likes | 341 Dislikes

-

The video starts with Frank casually walking down an alley. Everything is in black and white. Suddenly a figure clad in black steps in front of him with a knife. A voice that sounds like it came straight out of an infomercial starts to talk

"Are you tired of getting mugged?"

Frank nods

"Are you tired of school shootings?"

Frank shakes his head

"Than you should get a firearm without any permits or limitations!"

The screen starts to show colors and Frank pulls out a gun. The perp theatrically drops the  
knife and runs away.

-

"So the kid made me get a gun in 5 different ways. It's kinda to show how fucking easy it is to get one without any trouble. The first way is to just go in and buy a gun with real or forged information. You can find stores that sell firearms online on the ATF website."

Frank shows an ID to the camera.

"This is a fake ID with the information of a deceased man. This cost me… maybe 150 dollars. Normally you wouldn't need one of these, but I'm a wanted man. I also have a water bill from a month before, just so there would be confirmation of my address, this is also forged. And I have a case with a lock to put the gun in after purchase. The state I'm in doesn't require anything else. The background check will come up clear, since the dead guy was squeaky clean."

It cuts to footage from body cam. Frank is handing the clerk all of the necessary documents and the clerk is giving him a short form to fill in. Frank is busy doing that and the clerk puts the gun in the case and locks it. He also puts a couple of boxes of ammunition next to case. Frank finishes the document and puts 550 dollars on the counter. He gets his change and leaves the store. The scene cuts to him sitting down again.

“So this method cost me 523 dollars and 83 cents, plus the fake docs for a grand total of seven hundred and three dollars and 83 cents. Surprisingly easy and convenient, gets you a high quality weapon. Possibly traceable and in some states harder than this. This is great if you plan on using it for legal things. If not then don’t buy a gun.”

-

“The second way is this”

Frank flashes a wad of cash to the camera

“A gun store, but bribe the clerk. This one I didn’t film, since I don’t feel like subjecting the poor sap to public scrutiny, he’s in prison already. This method is more expensive and kind of risky. You need to have luck finding a store, but if you find a shithole with a redneck seller it will work just fine. This cost me 950 dollars. And I have a gun. Without it being registered or without having a background check ran on me. I’m Frank fucking Castle and I bought a gun without a fake ID.”

-

“The third method is to steal one.”

The video cuts to bodycam footage of Frank using lockpicks to open the bars covering the store doors, then the door itself before cutting the electricity. Frank enters and swipes a couple of weapons by picking locks or smashing the display cases. He puts them into a large bag and the footage cuts out.

“This one is free, but takes some organising and is risky. Don’t do this.”

-

“The fourth one is to get a gun from an illegal weapon seller. This one you need to have connections. It also only works in big cities with possible shipments and will have an estimated price of retail plus a couple hundred of bucks.”

It cuts to Frank and some guy shaking hands and somebody loading a bunch of crates into a truck. The video is taken from far away.

“And the fifth one is to steal from gun dealers.”

Frank takes the hand he’s shaking and twists it whilst somebody jumps down from a window and knocks out the other sellers. The two of them knock out or kill everybody and jump into both vehicles, one belonging to Frank and other belonging to the arms dealers. They drive away.

-

COMMENTS:

thedevilofla: I usually resent people taking on my moniker, but I like this one. Ruthless and efficient with a taste of humor. I’d also gladly offer him a place to stay 😉🍆

thegreaterevil: that video holds a lot of passive hate towards the anti gun control people and I’m here for it

aretheydaddy?: Frank Castle is definitely daddy

sadboihour: the only gun vid i will stand for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my life is a mess and so is my posting schedule  
-p


	17. “the channel got a strike for breaking the community guidelines so here is just a wholesome Spidey baking doggie treats (with some guest appearances)”

“the channel got a strike for breaking the community guidelines so here is just a wholesome Spidey baking doggie treats (with some guest appearances)”

-

Spider-Man is wearing a Daredevil themed apron, one that is covered in little devil drawings and has the initials DD on the chest, on top of his traditional spidey suit, but instead of normal gloves he is wearing one time use foil gloves. Even though the mask is in the way you can tell that he’s grinning. Bags of flour, cans of pumpkin, boxes of spice and jars of peanut butter (the smooth kind (a/n: f u crunchy peanut butter))

“Hey! So our videos have been taken down a couple of times lately and it’s kind of sad. We are just trying to have fun and make the image of the more… controversial ones better! I know that stealing guns isn’t really “family friendly” “ Spidey made sure to use air quotes and sound exasperated “But we don’t want to get monetized! We are really doing this for a bit of good PR and fun! And, by the way, just because I’m in a “superhero” “ He again used air quotes “it doesn’t mean that this content is made for kids. I ain’t a kid. Daredevil and Pool most definitely aren’t kids. Frank too! And the youngest lad here was the 7 year old Lucky or if you acknowledge his age in doggy years, the 18 year old Amy! We aren’t kids. We aren’t making kid-friendly content here! Put age restrictions on the more… daring stuff, but leave poor Lucky napping on a collectors item alone! Age restrict Dom and Wade talking about getting high or drunk and f..ricking on Celine Dion’s shoes or summoning ghosts, age restrict Daredevil talking about fricking half of New York City, BUT WHAT DID LUCKY EVER DO TO YOU BESIDES BEING A GOOD BOY!” Spidey slams his fist on the metal counter and leaves a fist shaped dent. “Ooopsie.”

-

“So today we are going to make pup treats. I’ve been publicly speaking about my love of both people and animals, so lets bake. It’s easier than baking for humans and whilst I can bake our other guests can’t. Speaking of guests, welcome Jessica Jones!” Spidey starts enthusiastically clapping and Jessica Jones, wearing her hair in a french braid, wearing an apron saying “don’t kiss the cook unless you don’t want to sleep with the fishes” and foil gloves like Spider-Man.

“What’s up, Webs?”

“I’m just lovely. You like dogs?” Spidey pulls out a bunch of bowls and utensils.

“Big dogs. I’m afraid of accidentally hurting a puppy or a small dog. Anything above the knee is good in my book.” At this point they start a casual routine of looking at the print out of the recipe and Jess passing the corresponding products to Webs.

“Lovely. The recipe we’re going to use makes 25 cookies, so we’re octupling it to make 200 treats and give 25 treats each to some local shelters. Now remember that kill shelters exist because they’re state-run and terribly underfunded. Those, opposed to privately run shelters, are obligated to take in ANY ANIMAL. Geckos, iguanas, spiders, cats, dogs, sugar gliders, ferrets, any animal they are given, meaning that they often don’t have proper conditions for keeping the animals or even the proper food! There are also very few vets who will take care of ill animals for a low price or for free. Please, if you have an exotic animal you wish to give away, look for a sanctuary or for an expert who specialises in care for the species! They will often be delighted to take in your pets without any fees!”

“So the kill shelters which are often boycotted and not supported by people who actually are willing to spend money on helping animals are overcrowded with pets that they can care of and they also hold a bunch that they are not prepared to house, because the law.”

“Yes! There is a need for regulations for shelters and the proper way of giving away animals!”

“Donate to those shelters that are state run and research to make sure you’re giving your pets to places that can take care of them or I will punch you in the gut.”

“Okay, so now we have all of the ingredients measured out.”

“Great, so I’m going to skedaddle, ‘cause I don’t feel like mixing four large bowls of dough.”

As Jessica shuffles out and throws out the one time use gloves Daredevil shuffles in, his apron is blue with a large Spider-Man emblem. 

“What up Horns?”

“Same old, Jones. You?”

“Same old. You gonna be mixing.”

“Good, I suck at ingredients.” 

Jessica smacked him on the ass and barked out a half-hearted laugh. Spider-Man moved his arms to shoo her out of the frame. 

“Hey Red.”

“Hey Webs.”

“Oh, Jess! Before you leave! Turn on the ovens to 175 normal degrees. Or 350 in idiotic US degrees.”

“Got it.”

DD and Spidey looked at the bowls and opened up several drawers in search for a suitable utensil for mixing. They finally pulled out two whisks.

“So, Redthew. Do you like dogs?”

“Chill dogs, not like Frank’s bitch of a dog.”

“What is it with you and Max?”

“The motherfucker slobbers on me! Every time I’m over at Frank’s I leave with a wet stain wherever he puts his cube head!”

“Even if Max wasn’t there you would leave with a wet stain, so what’s the difference?”

“Oh screw you.”

“You’d like that.”

Daredevil laughed, whilst also putting the mixed dough onto a silicone baking mat. 

“Webs, you got a rolling pin?”

“Yeah.” Spider-Man extended his arm holding a rolling pin and without realizing it he smashed it into DD’s ribs. DD yelped and fell back. “Oh shit.”

-

There were several baking sheets filled with cooked and uncooked cookies. Spider man was standing alone. 

“So Double D had to get some medical attention. In the meantime I had a friend start to bake the biscuits since we have 12 sheets of cookies in total and can only bake two at a time, in two ovens for forty minutes and we only have a bit over an hour left. Whilst they are baking I'm going to put them in boxes.” Spidey pulls out cardboard boxes covered in a blue dog paw print "These are made out of 100% recycled cardboard and are food safe." Spidey started to put baked cookies into the boxes, wrapping a pretty red ribbon around them. "And I'll see you when I'm done."

-

"And here are the finished dog biscuits. These were easy to make and I hope the local shelter dogs will appreciate the cookies!” Spider-Man presented a stack of neatly packed dog treats “Special thanks to Jess, DD and my friend for helping me. And sorry for smacking you with a rolling pin Red.”

-

COMMENTS:

doggosandcattos: wholesome

mammamia: LET LUCKY LIVE HES A GOOD BOY

uwuowoiwi: hol up lemme just donate my entire salary to a shelter cause spidey said so

finnawoke: 350 in idiot degrees

babygotbaccc: what if i want jess to punch me?  
|  
NYC’s Vigilantes: DM her on twitter @jones

hellyeah: The Punisher and Daredevil are my new OTP #Frankdevil? #ThePunidevil?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for the idea kind stranger   
-p


	18. “The Defenders’ ratchet ass clinic for wounded dumbasses”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of questionable medical procedures and irresponsible decisions in this chapter. DON'T DO WHAT THESE FICTIONAL DUMBASSES ARE DOING

“The Defenders’ ratchet ass clinic for wounded dumbasses”  
1956453 views | 56821 Likes | 276 Dislikes

-  
White text appears on a plain black background “This video contains graphic injuries and unsafe medical practices. This is NOT an instruction video, merely a presentation of the realities of avoiding professional medical care in order to not alert the authorities. All of the people shown consented to these procedures and fully recovered. Do not replicate anything shown.”  
-  
Daredevil is sitting down, his pants down, and stitching up a large cut on his thigh. After tying off the final stitch he picks up a bottle of bourbon and pours it over his wound. A hiss escapes his lips.

“Don’t you funking understand the phrase ‘practice weapons’ Frank? It means no real knives.”

“The knife was not even that sharp Red! Stop being so extra.”

“It was a serrated army issue bayonet you ass-waffle!”

“You said ‘funking’, which’s okay, a slip of the tongue, but ‘ass-waffle’?”

“Fuck, I’m spending too much time with Webs and Wade.”  
-  
Spider-Man is standing with his back to the sink, Jessica Jones holding up a mirror on the side so he can see his back in the mirror-cabinet hanging on the wall. His suit has a large rip and he is using a pink sharpie to make a mark about two-three inches above his shoulder blade. He turns around to place down the marker, revealing that in the front his left shoulder has a broken arrow sticking out of it.

“Are you sure that you can do this on your own?”

“I don’t have any anesthetic and if you were to do it I’d punch you for sure, so either I do it or we need to get Luke to hold me down.”

“Okay.”

Spidey takes an X-ACTO knife and pushes it through his skin, making a deep incision along the pink line. He then throws it into the sink and takes a pair of bedazzled tweezers and uses them to pull the arrow out, hissing in pain. He drops the 8 inches long piece in right next to the X-ACTO knife and uses a plain office stapler to quickly close the heavily bleeding wounds.

“Jess, I think I’m about to fall down, please catch me and pour some alcohol on the wounds.”

Jessica drops the mirror, her hands automatically gripping Spider-Man’s waist and pulling him into a bridal carry.

“Stop filming this shit Wade and help me.”

“I’m not helping people who bleed all over my sink AND my tweezers. These are Swarovski crystals Jones. Swarovski.”  
-  
Frank is limping towards the couch collapsing on it.

“He has a hairline fracture in the fibula. No need to set it, but he needs something to stabilize it.” Says DD, walking into an adjacent room.

Amy walks into the frame, two rolls of saran wrap cut in half to make it more similar to a bandage in her hands.

“We ran out of bandages, because of course we ran out the one time we really need them and we are not using them because *beep* was insisting, so saran wrap.” 

She kneels down next to Frank.

“Want me to do this over those pants that definitely have stranger blood on them, or will you take them off?”

Frank grumbles and takes off his pants, leaving him in his boxers. Amy wraps the plastic onto the red and slightly swollen area, making sure not to do it too tight.

"I'm going to sound like a fucking bag of chips when I walk."

"That's what you get for botching your landings big guy."  
-  
Jessica has a bunch of small pieces of glass and metal stuck in the skin of her right arm and hip. Spider-Man is holding a knife and a can of Spike energy drink, proceeding to shotgun it and then picking up two more drinks and doing the same with them.

"Webs, stop with the caffeine. Your hands will shake and you'll fuck up pulling out the shrapnel."

"I haven't slept in 198 hours and have been running on coffee, Red Bulls and Monsters. Cutting out caffeine will cause a withdrawal and I will be dizzy, sweaty, my heart will beat real fast and my hands will shake like a fricking maracas."

“Just try to be quick.”

“I’ll fucking knock you out if you don’t shut up.”  
-  
Frank walks into frame, his face bloodied and his knuckles raw, and spits into his hand, but instead of saliva a bunch of blood and something solid falls out.

“Did somebody knock out your tooth?”

Frank shakes his head, wiping the small thing on his sleeve and holding it up for the camera to see.

“Francis, is that a motherfucking bullet?”

Frank nods and rummages through a medicine cabinet, finding some floss and a tiny hotel sewing kit. He proceeds to thread the needle with floss and stitch up the bullet hole in his cheek.

“Awh shit. The floss’ minty.”

“How the fuck did you get shot in the face?”

Frank ties off the floss, reaches for a bottle of Listerine and rinses his mouth, visibly flinching at the sharp sting. The bright blue liquid comes out a bloody red when he spits it out.

“Somebody was aiming for a headshot and missed. The asshole was far enough that it just tore through my cheek and got a bit lodged in the roof of my mouth. That’s why I only now got it out.”

“How about your teeth?”

“My mouth was open and angled in a weird way. Somehow still have all my teeth intact.”

“Yay! No need for a trip to a weird dentist in Absolute Shithole, Maryland.”

“New Yorkers recognize me, I was in the news enough, so I can’t risk just going to the dentist here and sitting in a chair with a stranger poking around in my mouth for hours.”

“You’re like a movie star, hiding behind hoodies and sunglasses.”

“Movie stars don’t have a ‘Kill on Sight’ notice in three countries.”

“Three? Did they finally connect you to *beep*?”

“Nope, they just realised that I was the guy who shot the last member of The Cartel in Juarez. From El Paso.”

“So now it’s USA, El Salvador AND Mexico.”

“Yup.”

“El Salvador was fun, we rarely leave New York these days.”

“Was it more fun than Disneyland?”

“Nah, Disneyland still beats everything other than the precinct in Ohio.”

“What was fun about Ohio? You were literally being chased by a preacher hired by deranged politicians.”

“Watching you get all annoyed with those shitty cops.”  
-  
"Danny! Please get me some water."

Daredevil is groaning in pain, Danny's walks up to him and hands him a glass filled with a clear liquid. Daredevil starts to drink it, the visible part of his face scrunching up. After about half of the glass is gone he speaks.

"Why did you give me vodka?"

"Huh, you didn't notice until you started to drink it. The pain must be bad. At least the vodka should help with that."  
-  
Jessica is wincing in pain, black-clad hands applying KT tape over her ribs. The camera pans out to reveal that the person with the tape is Deadpool. Once there are several blue stripes on her torso he walks back, reaching for something. Jessica slumps against the wall, suddenly somebody slaps her in the forehead, leaving a sticker with the words “World’s bravest patient” behind.

“I can look for some lollipops too, but they may have THC in them.”  
-

COMMENTS:

badgeandgun: FUCK THAT’S THE GUY THAT SAVED US FROM THE WEIRD MERCS AND HAD A HELICOPTER PICK HIM UP WTFWTF WE GOT SAVED BY THE PUNISHER  
|  
NYC’s Vigilantes: how is the guy that got shot? - frank (if u tell anybody about that alias I will dismember you.)  
|  
badgeandgun: He’s well and he says hi!  
|  
NYC’s Vigilantes: I hope you turned around that horseshoe - Rachel, but not really

bicyclerace: “Francis, is that a motherfucking bullet?” khajkhjksadvkgkjhkjHAKJ

Huff ‘N Puff: 198 hours? That's 8.25 days, a normal person should be hallucinating and passing out at this point. I’m worried about him  
|  
NYC’s Vigilantes: bold of u to assume im freaking normal pal - spidey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i was planning to post a massive 5000 word flustercluck of a chapter, but i f u c k i n g deleted it on accident like a dumbass, so here's this chapter i was never planning to post.


	19. “what to do during this pandemic - presented by Deadpool, since he decided to be responsible for once"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whilst this advice is valid i still advise to read materials that are linked at the end - p

“what to do during this pandemic - presented by Deadpool, since he decided to be responsible for once.”  
2098728 views | ratings and comments have been disabled

-

Deadpool is sitting on a large beanbag chair. He was wearing My Little Pony pajamas instead of his suit, although his mask was still on. He had fuzzy socks with little guns on them and blue crocs on his feet. Domino and Cable are sitting on a couch in the background.

“Hi britches! My name is Wade and this is an instructional video on what to do during this terrible, terrible pandemic. We here have a time travelling assassin who tells me that it will all be ok, but we have to remember that the future is uncertain, as it can change at any moment. In any case here is a little instructional video on what to do!”

-

“First of all, wash your motherfucking hands, you nasty.”

Wade is scrubbing his hands with Spider-Man themed soap.

“I’m using this great antibacterial Baby-Boy themed soap Now COVID-19 is a virus, so antibacterial stuff is not going to kill it, but this has some alcohol in it and alcohol destroys the lipid casing of the virus, essentially destroying it! If you are in public spaces use hand sanitiser or simply isopropyl alcohol poured into a little spray bottle!”

-

“Don’t shake hands.”

Domino holds out her forearm and Deadpool bashes his own forearm against it.

-

“Don’t use those surgical masks, UNLESS you have any sort of symptoms. You may use them if you already have some at home, but don’t buy them! Surgeons and various hospital staff need them more! I’m constantly wearing my gorgeous mask, since I already have it and I wear it all the time.”

Wade rests his palms against it face, posing as if he’s taking a beauty shot.

-

“Practice social distancing, aka. be an antisocial fuck! Only leave your house if you need something from the store! I’m in my apartment with Domino and Cable, since we often hang out here anyways and their apartments are absolute shitholes without much space!”

The camera pans to Domino munching on some Takis and Cable poking around in his metal arm.

-

“Care for your elders! They are the most vulnerable to his virus!”

Deadpool is walking up to Wolverine, handing him a bag of groceries.

“What the fuck Wade?”

“Oh Wolvie! You are the oldest man in the world! You are the most vulnerable!”

“I haven’t been sick since 1881. I survived Hiroshima, I think I can fucking handle some shitty virus.”

-

“Cough and sneeze into tissue, the crook of your elbow OR your shoulder.”

Deadpool dabs and pretends to cough into the crook of his folded arm.

-

“Disinfect surfaces you often touch - door handles, light switches, fridge doors and cabinet handles, water knobs, keyboards and other things you touch multiple times a day.”

Wade is wearing a sexy maid outfit over his PJ’s and holding a bottle of hospital cleaning solution and a paper towel.

“Use regular rubbing alcohol, Everclear, even fucking vodka - don’t buy the kind of cleaner I have, since I already had this at home for, y’know, cleaning up murder scenes and surfaces we use for impromptu surgery whenever some dumbass without an extra strong healing factor gets seriously hurt, so I’m using this.”

-

“If you are in the USA don’t run to the hospital to get tested if you have a simple cough - we are understaffed and underprepared for a situation like this - treat your symptoms and avoid spreading whatever illness you have by covering your face when you sneeze or cough, washing your hands etc.”

-

“If you can - avoid eating takeout, you don’t know what they do in those nasty kitchens.”

Domino is wearing an apron and making pancakes on two pans at the same time, flipping them effortlessly.

“She’s a magician in the kitchen. Seriously, the greatest pancakes I ever had.”

-

“And most importantly - don’t panic. In most cases COVID-19 isn’t lethal.”

-

[WHO advice for public on fighting coronavirus](https://www.who.int/emergencies/diseases/novel-coronavirus-2019/advice-for-public)

[CDC on coronavirus](https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-nCoV/index.html)

keep safe - p

EDIT: Some people have issues with immunity and have a higher chance of contracting and having serious symptoms, so keep them in mind and help them by going to stores for them etc. thank you to the kind stranger who reminded me of this (◍•ᴗ•◍)✧*。

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was written in like 30-40 minutes and i didn't beta read it, so sorry for any mistakes


	20. “The Defenders’ rachet ass clinic for wounded dumbasses vol. 2: almost dying boogaloo”

“The Defenders’ rachet ass clinic for wounded dumbasses vol. 2: almost dying boogaloo”  
234187 views | 1.5k Likes | 128 Dislikes

A disclaimer pops up on the screen.

‘None of what is shown in the video is safe to perform on your own. If you suffered any injuries seek medical attention. If you need affordable medical attention Rand Inc. owns 451 emergency clinics all over US that have a fund to cover any expenses that you can’t (or your insurance won’t) pay for. This is just a presentation of realities of vigilantism and contains only the more bizarre or humorous events. None of the participants were harmed and everybody has consented to the procedures shown.’

-

Luke is laying down on a wooden table, a three inch wound that’s rapidly bleeding on his stomach. A woman wearing thick rubber gloves is placing a glass cylinder, one without a bottom or a top, around the wound, using waterproof tape to stick it to his skin. She picks up a large jug with a clear liquid labeled “sulfuric acid” and places it right next to Luke. 

“Okay, that’s all I’m going to do here. You’re the chemist Spidey, I’m just a nurse that has to deal with this bullshit.”

Spider-Man, wearing a lab coat and rubber gloves over his civilian clothes and the Spidey mask over his face walks up to Luke. 

“Claire, before you go. Please pass me the full face gas mask that’s in the corner.”

Claire throws him the mask.

“Won’t you need a mask too?”

“Nah.” He taps his temple. “This puppy protects me from most fumes, acids and toxic gases and it will hold up just fine against sulfuric acid. It saved me from Scorpion’s super-acid without any issue, I just had to wash it like twelve times to get rid of any residue that could mess with it long-term.”

“Fair enough. Don’t kill Luke.”

Luke coughed loudly and spoke, pain clearly lacing his voice.

“I’m right here.”

“Don’t die Luke.”

Spidey sticks Luke to the table with his webs, as well as reinforcing the taped down cylinder with them. He puts the mask on Luke’s face and pours a generous amount of acid onto the wound. He next lights a small blowtorch and heats the acid until it’s boiling. Once that happens he uses one hand to keep heating the liquid and the other to use tweezers to dig in the wound, pulling out several pieces of shrapnel. He throws them unceremoniously onto the floor and once he’s done he removes the heat and sprays webbing into the acid. It absorbs the acid and rapidly dissolves, leaving the wound clear. He unsticks the cylinder and takes off the mask off of Luke’s face.

“Well, at least this feels better than a full body acid bath.”

-

Frank is standing in front of a mirror, carefully stitching closed a long slash on his abs. Daredevil is talking and waving his hands around.

"How do you feel about being attacked with a real weapon during sparring?!"

"Red, y'know that for us practice weapons don't mean shit. You probably knew how to decapitate a guy with a teaspoon by twelve or some shit."

"I stopped training before I turned twelve and I never got past strategic projectile throwing, you asshat."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Throwing anything sharp in a way that makes your opponent unable to move or attack properly by damaging nerves or tendons."

"Shit, y'gotta teach me that sometime."

-

Deadpool passes out and falls to the ground in a heap of weirdly twisted limbs. Jess, Frank and Spidey just look at him while Danny falls to his knees and checks his pulse.

"His heart stopped."

Spider-Man pulls back the panicking Iron Fist and holds him at a distance.

"Give him time."

After about twenty tense seconds of Danny looking very concerned and the rest mildly annoyed, Deadpool's bones snap back in place and a loud groan escapes his covered lips.

"Shit-eating dick nibblers. How long was I out?"

Camera pans to Daredevil, who is perching on a ledge.

"38 seconds, flatline for 27."

"Damn, I guess that coke and whatever the fuck this poison is doesn't mix well."

-

Frank was cradling his arm, clearly in pain. Jessica looks at him, worried.

“What’s up with your arm?”

“It’s dislocated.”

“Want me to reset it?”

Frank shook his head and took two steps back. He breathed in and out twice before launching himself at a concrete wall shoulder-first. There’s an audible weird sound. Daredevil puts his head in his palms.

“You set it, but while you were at it you fucking cracked your humerus.”

-

Danny grabs Frank’s arm and closes his eyes, the place where his palm lays starts glowing gold. After a few seconds of Frank looking at him in a weird way Danny pulls his hand away and throws a small plume of dark grey mist out to the side.

“What the fuck was that Rand?”

“I detected abnormalities in your chi. You had beginnings of melanoma. I got rid of it.”

Wade pops into frame in all of his scarred glory and yells.

“YOU CAN FUCKING CURE CANCER?!”

-

Jessica is holding her stomach, other wounds on her body clearly visible. Wade offers her a small mirror with three neatly cut lines and a straw.

“I’m in extreme pain and you fucking offer me coke?”

“It’s fucking baby aspirin. One line is a dose for an average adult.”

Jessica looks at him with a bitter expression, but regardless picks up the straw and snorts one of the lines.

-

Spidey has a long and deep wound along his stomach. Jessica is crouching next to him and using a barely working Bic lighter to cauterize the wound and trying to close it by using an ungodly amount of Hello Kitty band-aids. Daredevil runs into frame, but instead of his suit he’s wearing street clothes and an elegant black tie that looks very expensive as a mask. In one hand he has a gallon of bleach and in the other he has a bottle of Macallan Rare Cask, a tube of Arm & Hammer toothpaste is hanging out of his pocket. 

“The one time Claire and Danny are out of town and I don’t have any cheap fucking booze in my house you go out and get yourself stabbed with a fucking poisoned sword. And I’m out of lye drain cleaner so we have to use chlorine and hope your liver isn’t damaged too much.”

Spidey just holds up a very bloody 👌

-

Deadpool is shirtless, his scarred torso on full display. He grabs a knife, stabs it in one spot and twists, later using a jerking motion to try and remove something. A bullet pops out and the wound closes again. 

“One down, thirteen more to go.”

He shifts uncomfortably.

“Fourteen more.”

-

Frank is closing a wound with a surgical stapler, but Deadpool interrupts him by waving a phone in his face and talking loudly, causing one of the staples to go in crooked. Frank just looks up and grabs Wade’s head with one hand and uses the stapler to close his mouth.

“Much fucking better.”

-

Spider-Man is poking around in Cable’s metal arm. Suddenly a shock goes through Cable and he shouts.

“What the fuck, Spider-Man!”

Spidey continues his poking around and just mumbles.

“That’s what you fucking get for trying to rewire your own arm without any engineering and electrical knowledge motherfucker.”

-

COMMENTS:

anklebiter: Danny Rand can cure cancer??? Fucking WILD.

amadrabbit: So Spidey is a chemist and an engineer? Jesus, I can barely make a blanket fort that doesn’t fall apart.

deadbachelor: ugh dp digging those bullets out is so gross

oneblackcoffee: did somebody sell Deadpool a duffle bag of baby aspirin? At least that’s a better investment than going to college for liberal arts, since you get aspirin and a duffle bag. 

questionauthority: They upgraded to surgical staplers! I’m so proud!

kitchenwaresexual: is daredevil a child soldier?? like, he was trained to incapacitate people before 12. shit, that’s really sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woop


End file.
